On the outside of a birthday party for a member of your own family.

Occasionally a voice will stand out, but mostly words and voices mesh into an unintelligible and idiosyncratic hum. Then they sing, it is so strange to be outside all of this, I don't think I've ever heard the birthday song sung this way before. The song is so familiar, I've sung it a thousand times, but this time it seems alien. Is it because I cannot see the faces of the singers, or because I'm not singing myself? It is the only genuine thing to come of all this, the rest, the laughter and conversation, sound so insincere. I can see their faces in my mind. I recognize their voices, know their names by their laugh. There must be a dozen different conversations, I could pick up on one but it is more agreeable to just listen to the murmurs of their voices with the music under laid - or overlaid, I cannot tell - and the voices of the children all sound the same, this way I am not caught up in trivial grievances and gossip. I wonder, from this distance it sounds like a happy gathering, but are they, too, consumed with apathy. Are they truly celebrating life, the day of the child's birth, or are they just going through the motions. Doing something they feel obligated to do, using it as an excuse to break up the monotonous procession of days and tasks. But are they truly free from that cycle or just distracted from it? Has any of them once stopped today to think of why they are here? Is it to celebrate the birth of this child? No, that is merely a pretense, a reason to have a barbeque and consume excessive amounts of alcohol and enjoy the company of friends and family. And on a deeper level, satisfy man's need to be in contact with other human beings, ease the fear of being alone. And who can blame them? It is an illusion I would create myself if I could. I wonder if any of this really feels new to any of them, have they even realized that another year has passed? Do they regret not being aware of, or appreciating it, or do they even realize what they've done? I'm sitting here, not because I am ill and unable to go, because I could see no reason to go, I love the birthday girl, but I would not be at that party, even if I were standing in the midst of it. I would not enjoy the company, I wonder if any of those in attendance actually do. No, I do not go because I do not buy into the hypocrisy of birthday parties, because it would make me sick to witness these people seemingly put aside their petty differences to celebrate the birth of someone who - in all honesty, considering present circumstances - would probably have been better off not being born at all. It sickens me to think of these people, with contempt for each other hidden beneath smiling faces, gathered to enact a ritual that holds no meaning to them, paying lip-service to some ancient tradition known as family. Just another day in their petty lives, the same as yesterday, smiling for the camera, smiling for the kids, teaching them that wearing a mask is the only acceptable way to live. No, I do not want to wear my mask today.