Breathe

I have decided that I am not going insane, no, if the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results then I am not insane. I expect nothing because nothing has changed, and all of this sanity is driving me crazy. I have been consumed by apathy, I truly no longer give a fuck, I only pretend to for my own peace of mind. But what does that matter anyway, I obviously don't hold myself in very high regard. I talk so much about self-sacrifice but what have I sacrificied if there is nothing that I value, nothing that I care about. Perhaps that is why I can let go so easily, because nothing really matters to me. I really don't feel much of anything, perhaps that's what makes me a good actress, I have no soul and yet I am able to convince everyone that I do. I know that is a lie, and it terrifies me how close it is to being true. I don't want to feel, I'm afraid to feel, because I know I will feel regret and what use is that to me. I remember the last time I felt something, the last time my brother hurt me, I was in the shower on my knees crying, crying for god to save me, for someone to help me and show me the way out of this mess I've gotten myself into. I realize no one can do that but myself, but if I were to try then I would have to feel and I would have to face the truth about what I've done, what I've become. My hypocrisy is showing, and I've found it has become difficult to live with myself.