Service to humanity is the best work of life.

So I'm torn, I don't think there are any other words that I hold to be more true. Do I postpone my plans, my life, in order to help my brother. He needs me, probably more than we both will ever know, but what would I have to sacrifice in order to be there for him? Another year or two living this lie I've made for me, another year trapped in circumstances to uncomfortable for me to be able to find myself, who I really am. Another year, trapped with a stubborn alcoholic and an intellectual invalid and their two children. I don't know if it would make things any better, but I don't want to lose my brother. My brother, the terror of my childhood, I'm afraid he won't understand that I need to breathe, I need to be away from family, away from everything I've ever known, I need the chance to try to live on my own, but then he may be the only one who will understand completely, if only I can get him to listen to what I have to say. But what do I have to say anyway, nothing is guaranteed, all I have are silly dreams and plans, but what does life have in store? I can make all the plans I want but there is no way of knowing what will happen while I'm making all these plans. How much of my life have I missed while I was making these plans? It has occured to me that these are supposed to be the good years, and I have wasted them in fantasy. I things don't work out what will I be then? I suppose I could always go to college, I mean it's not like I don't plan to go at all. I wish I didn't feel so lost. I slept for fifteen hours straight, the other day, maybe even sixteen, I think it was the best sleep I ever had. I don't want to wake up, does that mean I'm depressed? I don't want to sleep either but what do I have to stay awake for. I want to help people but it's hard to let go of myself, I'm not ready to give myself to humanity, I'm not ready to make the ultimate sacrifice. Perhaps that is the lesson of this lifetime, hypocrisy and sacrifice. I don't believe in myself anymore, I don't believe in my dreams.