the song made me do it

I used to dream of being a singer, sometimes I remember the feeling I got
when I sang. I loved it, I still do, but now it feels bittersweet, singing other
peoples songs, I feel like I have no voice of my own. I think my new favorite
songs are Everybody's Got To Learn Sometimes by Beck from The Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which also happens to be my new favorite
movie, and Breathe by Anna Nalick, that song describes my life perfectly at
the moment and the Beck song sort of gives me hope. There are certain songs
that I can listen to over and over again. I do that when I'm writing sometimes,
when a song gives me a feeling, it's hard to describe, I just push repeat and
listen to it again and again until the feeling has passed. I've listened to the
same song for over an hour once, Bob Dylan's Buckets of Rain and the
Smashing Pumpkins' For Martha, also Ben Folds' Fred Jones Part 2. I can listen
to the moonlight sonata by Beethoven for hours on end.
I've spent most of my life avoiding regret, thinking I've moved on when really all
I've done is prolong the inevitable, a complete mental breakdown. No one
realizes just how much I control myself, I desperatly need to distance myself
from these people that I feel I need the approval of. 184, that's how much I
weigh, it's gone up in the past months, I've been going downhill for awhile. I
try remember when I started hating myself, when I stopped wearing shorts,
when I stopped playing, when I stopped singing. It was before I moved to Hilo,
I remember in sixth grade I was starting to let myself go, I dressed like a slut
back then, but I didn't care, it got me attention. I remember going from just
enough to cup in my hands to having B- cups, I could borrow my mother's
clothes. Then I started to stretch them out, I was a C, then a D, then finally
DD, what I am now. I think back on how naive I was, wanting bigger breasts,
how silly. I always liked boys, I don't remember a time in my life where sex
hadn't played a part. I almost lost my virginity when I was eleven or so, it was
after I was almost kidnapped so I might have been twelve, I was scared, but I
still felt pleasure. I don't know when I stopped enjoying being touched, I have
sex now and I don't feel anything, I think it's because I don't allow myself to
feel anything but why? Sure the guys I've been with haven't helped, but I don't
have any real expectations there. What I don't understand is why I still do it
when I don't get anything from it. I'm just hell bent on self destruction I
suppose. I've experimented, before I forgot how to feel, it was fine I suppose,
and I realize I have some conspicously 'lesbian' tendencies. I don't care if
people think that, I just say what I told my lesbian roommate in the psych
ward "I'm strictly dick, but I can appreciate." I think, sometimes, that I would
have made a better man than a woman, but alas, fate had other things in
store. I don't think anything is wrong with my sex drive, just with my choice of
men to have sex with, oh yeah, and that little problem of me being incapable
of feeling anything.