old friends and new enemies, life - phillisophical obscurity
http://methangel.blogspot.com/2005/02/old-friends-and-old-enemies-best-kind.html
This was something Rene'e wrote that I posted on this blog awhile ago. Without reading it first. I came across it on her own blog on myspace.com and finally sat down to read the thing. Here is my reply as I posted it, which I believe she has now deleted.
a late night constructive critic (key word - constructive)
Wow, this hurt my brain. I got the point you were going for but most of your sentences come to dead ends, mostly because you are using the wrong words, I understand that you were just trying to transfer abstract thoughts and unformed theories onto paper but this could use a whole lot of revision. When you read it as a whole it hardly makes any sense at all, you are write in circles. I think you believed you were touching on a few different topics and that is where the major problem is, when you thought you were going off topic you sort of stopped short but didn't edit out any of the fragments, so the whole piece just looks like you were searching for more ways to elaborate on the one topic which just comes off as being redundant. You don't draw any conclusions, and towards the end you get a bit too descriptive concerning the time/life theory, once again, writing in circles. There are some interesting ideas there but it feels like you just got tired of thinking so you copped out, instead of developing them further. In the end you just settle for stating the obvious, repeating a point that you had already established, and quite clearly at that. The wording is contrite at best, your voice is there but it is so cluttered. I can tell you were having difficulty finding the right words to capture your ideas and I found you were using words that didn't quite fit in the context. You have a tendency to want to use, for lack of a better term, 'fancy' words where they aren't really necessary. I suggest you read more books concerning the topics you were exploring, sort of as a means to expand your vocabulary and your perception. I know how proud you are of this piece and you should be, proud of the ideas, but the work wants revision, and I believe it deserves it as well.
Perhaps I was a bit harsh but the truth is seldom a painless experience, as I trust she has learned by now, I could be wrong though. I think she is not speaking to me now, and only time will tell if this lasts longer than the last time she wasn't speaking to me. Maybe my comment wasn't the only thing that caused this rift, I haven't been able to get a hold of her so I can't be sure. I wish I could talk to her, to sort this out.
This was something Rene'e wrote that I posted on this blog awhile ago. Without reading it first. I came across it on her own blog on myspace.com and finally sat down to read the thing. Here is my reply as I posted it, which I believe she has now deleted.
a late night constructive critic (key word - constructive)
Wow, this hurt my brain. I got the point you were going for but most of your sentences come to dead ends, mostly because you are using the wrong words, I understand that you were just trying to transfer abstract thoughts and unformed theories onto paper but this could use a whole lot of revision. When you read it as a whole it hardly makes any sense at all, you are write in circles. I think you believed you were touching on a few different topics and that is where the major problem is, when you thought you were going off topic you sort of stopped short but didn't edit out any of the fragments, so the whole piece just looks like you were searching for more ways to elaborate on the one topic which just comes off as being redundant. You don't draw any conclusions, and towards the end you get a bit too descriptive concerning the time/life theory, once again, writing in circles. There are some interesting ideas there but it feels like you just got tired of thinking so you copped out, instead of developing them further. In the end you just settle for stating the obvious, repeating a point that you had already established, and quite clearly at that. The wording is contrite at best, your voice is there but it is so cluttered. I can tell you were having difficulty finding the right words to capture your ideas and I found you were using words that didn't quite fit in the context. You have a tendency to want to use, for lack of a better term, 'fancy' words where they aren't really necessary. I suggest you read more books concerning the topics you were exploring, sort of as a means to expand your vocabulary and your perception. I know how proud you are of this piece and you should be, proud of the ideas, but the work wants revision, and I believe it deserves it as well.
Perhaps I was a bit harsh but the truth is seldom a painless experience, as I trust she has learned by now, I could be wrong though. I think she is not speaking to me now, and only time will tell if this lasts longer than the last time she wasn't speaking to me. Maybe my comment wasn't the only thing that caused this rift, I haven't been able to get a hold of her so I can't be sure. I wish I could talk to her, to sort this out.
posted by *meth_angel* at 10:24:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home