thicker than blood

It would be easier if my parents were just dead, then I would have a reason to greive for them, they are still here but I grieve for them already. Then it would be okay for me to feel like this, then I wouldn't have to be angry with them. If they were just dead.
When I went to the hospital I was living with my father, on my last day there they told me I had to decide whether or not I would live with my mother or go back to my father, I told them I would rather live in a group home than to go back to either, but in the end I had to decide to live with my mom, I guess that's what everyone expected me to do. When I got out and went back to my dad's house to get all of my things I found that he had thrown everything into trash bags and dumped them, with my dog, at my grandmother's house. His gate was locked and he had taped a note to a tree at the end of his drive way for me. In it he basically wished me a happy life and said he hoped I found all I needed, like I hurt him and he was just ready to never see me again. I don't remember exactly what it said and I tore it up because I was so angry, of course now I wish I'd kept it but I suppose it's better I didn't, it'd only torture me. But just the fact that he was so willing to just give up, like it wouldn't bother him that he didn't have a daughter anymore. He's always been that way though, when my parents first got divorced and they had joint custody he had something like every weekend and every other wednesday to see me but he never did. He just didn't want to be my father, and he still doesn't. If I don't take the initiative I would probably never see my father, as it is we haven't spoken in months, and not for lack of trying, he just doen't return my calls. I've gone years without seeing my father, and for most of my life he's lived less than a two hour drive away. He may as well be dead, or I may as well be.