another social comment from a reluctant member of society.

I've decided to take up smoking. Sure it's another six months or so until I turn 18 but what the fuck, at least I know what I'm getting into. Knowing me, I probably won't be smoking after I turn 18 anyway, just like I probably won't be drinking after I turn 21. Why can't I decide? Society's definition of adulthood is too fucked up to be taken seriously. You can fly a plane solo when you're 15, drive when you're sixteen, you're responsible for your own traffic tickets at 16, have sex at 17, smoke when you're 18, drink when you're 21, but you can't rent a car until your 25. Good luck finding an apartment at 18 too. They can't just draw a line and say "here, now you're an adult, you are responsible for taking care of yourself" because everyone matures differently. With the way the world is today most children are taking care of themselves years before they turn 18. I guess I can understand why they spread things out so much, except for the rent-a-car thing...that just makes no fucking sense, but it still doesn't mean I'm going to live ny those rules. I guess I'm just one of those people who thinks the rules don't apply to me. With the way young people are today I guess they need these rules, these whining bastards aren't capable of making intelligent decisions, they'll do whatever the media tells them to, whatever the celebrities are endorsing, or in some cases the exact opposite. These people are no more capable of understanding what they need than little children, perhaps even less so.

I speak of the younger generation, generation x, as if I weren't one of them. I really don't think I am, there are alot of people who would say otherwise but then, they don't know me anyway. Most people don't really want to get to know each other, I suppose it's because then they'd realize that they aren't all so unique, they aren't all that special. I guess when you realize that there are countless numbers of people out there with the same feelings as you, the same addictions, you see that all of this angst you've been carrying around isn't what makes you different, it's what makes you the same. You are faced with the fact that you are not really a person, you are an automaton, a sheep in human clothing, something that vaguely resembles a human being but lacks the honesty, the realness of one. You are a part of Generation X, the self aware, self inflicted, self denial, selfish generation, trying so hard to change the world without ever having lived in it, without ever truly experiencing it.

Disposable language should be the trademark of our era. People are so afraid of silence that we must fill every moment with sound, until all of it is meaningless, and those with something important to say have to take more and more drastic measures to communicate them. Death has become the new media for communication, but still we cannot hear, so more people have to die, in more horrific ways, just to get a point across. Even now the method is becoming so overused that we are closing our ears to it. Why are we so uncomfortable with silence? Are we afraid of hearing ourselves think, or of the utter silence we will find within our hearts and minds, with only the echoes of guilt reverberating off our inner walls.

We run so hard from despair and depression, take another pill, anything to fill your empty life. We'd rather feel something fake, a chemical reaction, than work through our emotions and try to understand them. Everyone is depressed nowadays, but why shouldn't they be, is the world so great that depression is so out of place? A disease, or just a natural side effect of the dis-ease of society? Should we treat this problem with medication that numbs your heart and puts your mind to sleep, or should we be eliminating it's cause. Like with cancer, you can treat the symptoms but the tumor still remains. Are we sacrificing our humanity just for the sake of comfort, because we are unwilling to risk a change, or reluctant to put forth the effort? Or are we too proud to admit the problem. If you are depressed try to understand why, If you want to kill yourself find something to live for, if you want to kill other people...seek professional help.

Depression is probably the most selfish of human emotions, and with the way society treats it, I shouldn't wonder. But it is still a human emotion, you may as well try to supress joy or anger for all the good it does you. It is something that must run it's course, that is not to say that you should just sit back and wallow in it, anger is an emotion that has to run it's course but we do things to help ourselves understand it and eventually rid ourselves of it. In order for depression to run it's course we must do the same, understand the emotion and it's origins and come to terms with it. Sure, it's easier to take a pill, and I may feel like shit for a little while, or even a long time. But at least what I'm feeling is real, at least I know I'm alive, and I wouldn't give that up for anything.

I am no longer depressed. For awhile I maintained that I never was but I was just lying to myself, I've been through some pretty fucked up shit, but now I've come to terms with it all. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't experienced all of the things I have, and to be honest, I'm okay with the person I am, I know I could be better but I had to let go of some things before I could grow, I still do. It's a long and hard process, becoming a decent human being, but one I'm willing to devote my life to.