cocaine....runnin' all around my brain

I just walked in on my dad and my uncle doing a line of coke. I just sort of walked away, then we all talked as if nothing had happened. I lit a cigarette, normally I wouldn't smoke in front of my uncle but what the fuck is he going to say? Even he wouldn't be that hyppocritical. I feel strangely apathetic, I know this should probably affect me but I just can't seem to care. I mean, I knew they did it but knowing and seeing it are two entirely different animals. I just felt like I saw something I shouldn't have, and nobody said anything about it, I guess they know I won't say anything. Normally I can tell if my dad is high or not, it was when he was really fucked up that he would molest me, but I'm not sure if he did anything now, he was talking alot, about normal things, but I'm not sure if that was to cover up the fact that he just did or that I just saw him about to do it. He was cutting on the picture of Colton, his grandson. For some strange reason it was the most comfortable I've felt around either of them, or my uncle at least, it was as if I was in denial before, and I found myself resenting them. Now it's like I've just accepted them, and they accept me, I guess we're cool. Not that what they're doing is ok, or that I approve in any way, but it's like now I've come to terms with it, it's no longer my problem. I can just imagine what my mother would do if she'd been in my place. It's a fact of life though, they seem more real, more honest now. Dad's admitted to me that he does drugs, we talk about it sometimes, he doesn't feel as if he's doing anything wrong or that he has a problem. I guess they are more human to me now, I didn't realize how much I resented them until now, I guess because they're my family, I had expectations for them because I love them. Now I realize that it was all wasted, they are who they are and they are not perfect, I feel better now that they're not hiding it from me, if they continue to it would be pointless. I wandered into the room to see if there was anything left on the picture while they were in the living room, I was curious, I want to know what it feels like, I know I would never ask, and they would probably never give me. I can't help it though, I guess it'd be just one more thing to torment myself with, one more way to escape. I don't feel let down, it's more like I was the one who wronged them, expecting them to be something other than what they are just for me. I'm suprised I'm so objective about this, I guess I shouldn't be, hysteria really isn't in character for me. I guess I'm glad this happened, because I was able to identify one more of my illusions and clear myself of it.