fools wisdom

Why do these petty quirks mean so much to me. Am I wise for knowing how to behave like an adult, no, anyone my age may know how to behave as an adult, what makes me wise is behaving like one. All of the impatience and the faults and the selfishness I know I would be better without, but why do I cling to them so? To hold on to that feeling of youth? It is not the ability to chose which makes us wise but the choices we make. So am I really as wise as I like to think I am? A wise person would focus, a wise person would learn when to be silent, a wise person would let go of petty rivalries and idle gossip. Shall I then give up my adolescent comforts for the wisdom of adulthood, am I capable of doing so, or am I just all mouth.

Sometimes I feel like I'm seventeen, I'm not quite sure how I feel about that, I never liked to feel like a child. What I don't like the most is that feeling of uncertainty, of unreasoning terror, everything that seemed so sure and possible now seems so far away. What I wonder is-- is the worrying more real, or at least more realistic, that my insufferable self-confidence. Am I truly that person, or am I just a frightened teenager, terrified of being alone and on my own for the first time. Not that I haven't been alone my whole life, and not that I doubt that I can take care of myself, but my feelings shift with each passing moment, do I know I can do this, or am I afraid I'll never survive? I believe I will, I've survived worse than apartment hunting, I think what makes me so afraid is that I don't know what to do, I've never looked for an apartment, I've never moved by my self, I've never had to worry about these things. I believe I can do it but I have no one to talk to to ease these fears, no one to offer advice, no one to guide me. I am lost, but my need is practical, not spiritual, for those matters I have always been able to look inside myself, these problems have no precedent. I need help and I have no idea where to look.