I can only bring myself to hate large corporations and inanimate objects

my friend is full of hate, she hates society, she hates posers, she hates she hates she hates. I remember when I worked at mcdonalds she said I was a slave to money, to society. But what is she? A slave to the cure in a pill bottle. A slave to the belief that it could have actually worked. She hates she hates she hates, she doesn't understand. I cannot hate because I can emphasize, because I understand why people do the things they do, I can't hate a person for doing what is in their nature to do. That is why I do not hate rene'e, or any other depressed people. Depression, like most other things, is a product of either nature or nurture, I know this is a very broad generalization but, for the purpose the sake of argument, it will do. My depression came from nurture, or the envioronment and experiences I've lived with; Rene'e's came from nature, a chemical imbalance, but either way, it became natural, it became the very foundation upon which we built and lived our lives. It was what defined us. I can understand the reluctance she feels to let go of this, if she is no longer depressed what is she. She is afraid that she will become the nothingness that she believes is out there. But what is out there anyway? She has likened her depression to being in a hole, when the hole is only a product of her mind. She talks about phenomenology and perception, how life is only what we percieve and reality does not exist, and yet she cannot apply the same thinking to her state of mind. She does not understand that her body and her mind are linked together, wouldn't that chemical imbalance be just another reality does not exist. I have told her time and again, talk about it, be honest with yourself, understanding the problem is the key to solving it. It's simple logic, it's so simple she would agree with it without missing a beat, so simple it couldn't possibly apply to her situation. I think she fails to realize how universal the feelings she is experiencing are, if she could see that, she would be one step closer to realizing that there is no out there or in here, only the walls she has percieved. She doesn't know how much power, how much will that took, however subconsious. That same will can be used to break down those walls, but it would be hard, it's much harder to control the power than to let it control you. Perhaps that is why depressed people feel so out of control, which leads to cutting and suicide attempts. I wonder if the same theory can be applied to other disorders.

I have gone off topic, I write about rene'e all the time, I'm afraid I have made her my ginuea pig, my test subject. I feel like the mad scientist, observing, calculating theories, and messing with peoples minds. I wonder if this is helping me more than it is helping her. I wish I had a way to find out. I've noticed she has been getting better since the first few times I scared her out of her shell. I've noticed that at times I regret doing so in the first place. Doctor Roth is helping her, he's very good, although I don't think he's pushing her hard enough. I went to her appointment with him yesterday and at first I thought I was only making things worse, it wasn't until half the session was gone that she opened up and we actually made some progress, and of course after it was over she informed me that it normally took that long for her to open up. I suggested that she think about that and see how the awareness of that fact affected her next session, she asked 'why? do you plan on coming to the next one', how little she knows me. It was at the end of the session though, when she started to annoy me. He was asking her what the take away points of the things we discussed were and she got really bashful and played the whole 'I don't remember' thing, when in really it's 'I don't want to remember'. It has occured to me now that she didn't do that because of my presence but because of his, he is, as rene'e had said, intense. But still when rene'e and I have a session, I push harder, and I've seen the results of that, even in her journal. She still needs to work on taking the good with the bad. And the denial and selective memory thing is not helping her, I wanted to point that out today but I didn't want to make her cry. I suppose I just know her better that Dr. Roth, I know when she's bullshitting and I know when to push her. I understand he doesn't want to push her though, he wants her to leap of her own volition, as do I, but sometimes, it's just too tempting.