Nosce te ipsum...
anniversaries and adversaries
When I first started this blog I had no idea that it would become such a big part of my life, I have no idea how many people are actually reading this on a regular basis, not very many I'll wager, but I've found that I actually look forward to posting any interesting thoughts or ideas I have during the day, like someone who can't wait to tell some funny incident to a friend or loved one. When I started I didn't think I had anything to say, I didn't think I could write about politics and, well, my life didn't seem that interesting (it still doesn't). My views....I didn't even know what they were at the time, but through the proccess of writing this blog I've discovered my own beliefs, what I am passionate about, my virtues and a great many of my faults.
I've been more honest with complete strangers on the internet than I have with my own family, sometimes even with myself. Indeed, if anyone were to take the time to read this they would know more about me in a few minutes than people who have known me my entire life. I think it is part of human nature to want to be known, I've always been underestimated, and for the most part I don't mind, but sometimes I get tired of people getting the wrong idea about me. Human beings need to feel connected to something or someone else, we are not built to live completely alone, although more often that not we must. I have learned my greatest fear is...being alone, I am so alone that I can't stand the company of others because it only worsens that pain. I fear I will never find anyone who understands me.
I do not post all of my secrets on this blog, some things are better left unsaid, as the saying goes. I wish, at times, that I could forget all of my secrets, if only to rid myself of this need to tell them to someone. I want to become the person I am on the outside so I don't have to worry about people liking who I am on the inside. I am afraid to become a better person, afraid to grow, because I might lose those characteristics that define me, those same characteristics that I do not want people to define me with. I don't want to be know as the sarcastic one who never takes anything serious, always good for a laugh, nor would I like to be know as cruel and judgemental and closed-minded, but I like my sarcasm and my sense of humor, my judgement has never failed me yet and sometimes it is necessary to be cruel, that does not mean I enjoy it. Perhaps I am closed-minded about some things, and often my callous indifference may give way to righteous indignation, I'm never sure which is worse.
Can I retain all of these traits I value in myself and still grow as a person? My sense of humor puts off the people who know me as serious and my seriousness irritates those who expect me to make a joke of everything. I suppose there is no way to please everyone. I like that I am able to make people laugh, but I find that with certain people, especially those who expect it of me, being glib and superficial is tiring. My mind is neither one or the other, I am always thinking about these serious things but I am also always able to make a joke of things, perhaps my timing is off when it comes to the serious things. I do tend to get impatient with people for not accepting that side of me, when I have never really given them a chance to get used to it. We all place people into stereotypes, categorizing them, refusing to accept that they can be different than what they have shown us, I do as well, perhaps that is why I believe I must be one way or another. In the end, it doesn't matter how other people define me, for they are usually only seeing one side of me, and everything in the universe is subject to interpretation, they are merely making an uneducated guess. I must be myself, whoever that might be, and hopefully someone will come along who knows me as well as I know myself.
Fate is a funny thing, often I have done things that I have regretted, only to see those acts redeemed in a way. I don't know if something good just comes of everything or if my actions were meant to be, lately I have been realizing how my actions fit into the bigger picture, how some innocent remark or uncharacteristic decision, like starting this blog, has had such dramatic results. In about four days I will have been doing this for six months and I wonder, would I even know myself if I hadn't started this blog?
When I first started this blog I had no idea that it would become such a big part of my life, I have no idea how many people are actually reading this on a regular basis, not very many I'll wager, but I've found that I actually look forward to posting any interesting thoughts or ideas I have during the day, like someone who can't wait to tell some funny incident to a friend or loved one. When I started I didn't think I had anything to say, I didn't think I could write about politics and, well, my life didn't seem that interesting (it still doesn't). My views....I didn't even know what they were at the time, but through the proccess of writing this blog I've discovered my own beliefs, what I am passionate about, my virtues and a great many of my faults.
I've been more honest with complete strangers on the internet than I have with my own family, sometimes even with myself. Indeed, if anyone were to take the time to read this they would know more about me in a few minutes than people who have known me my entire life. I think it is part of human nature to want to be known, I've always been underestimated, and for the most part I don't mind, but sometimes I get tired of people getting the wrong idea about me. Human beings need to feel connected to something or someone else, we are not built to live completely alone, although more often that not we must. I have learned my greatest fear is...being alone, I am so alone that I can't stand the company of others because it only worsens that pain. I fear I will never find anyone who understands me.
I do not post all of my secrets on this blog, some things are better left unsaid, as the saying goes. I wish, at times, that I could forget all of my secrets, if only to rid myself of this need to tell them to someone. I want to become the person I am on the outside so I don't have to worry about people liking who I am on the inside. I am afraid to become a better person, afraid to grow, because I might lose those characteristics that define me, those same characteristics that I do not want people to define me with. I don't want to be know as the sarcastic one who never takes anything serious, always good for a laugh, nor would I like to be know as cruel and judgemental and closed-minded, but I like my sarcasm and my sense of humor, my judgement has never failed me yet and sometimes it is necessary to be cruel, that does not mean I enjoy it. Perhaps I am closed-minded about some things, and often my callous indifference may give way to righteous indignation, I'm never sure which is worse.
Can I retain all of these traits I value in myself and still grow as a person? My sense of humor puts off the people who know me as serious and my seriousness irritates those who expect me to make a joke of everything. I suppose there is no way to please everyone. I like that I am able to make people laugh, but I find that with certain people, especially those who expect it of me, being glib and superficial is tiring. My mind is neither one or the other, I am always thinking about these serious things but I am also always able to make a joke of things, perhaps my timing is off when it comes to the serious things. I do tend to get impatient with people for not accepting that side of me, when I have never really given them a chance to get used to it. We all place people into stereotypes, categorizing them, refusing to accept that they can be different than what they have shown us, I do as well, perhaps that is why I believe I must be one way or another. In the end, it doesn't matter how other people define me, for they are usually only seeing one side of me, and everything in the universe is subject to interpretation, they are merely making an uneducated guess. I must be myself, whoever that might be, and hopefully someone will come along who knows me as well as I know myself.
Fate is a funny thing, often I have done things that I have regretted, only to see those acts redeemed in a way. I don't know if something good just comes of everything or if my actions were meant to be, lately I have been realizing how my actions fit into the bigger picture, how some innocent remark or uncharacteristic decision, like starting this blog, has had such dramatic results. In about four days I will have been doing this for six months and I wonder, would I even know myself if I hadn't started this blog?
posted by *meth_angel* at 12:12:00 AM
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