today

I guess that concludes the photo session of tonight's blog, I haven't had much time to scan my pictures, what with werk and all. I'm gonna be working ten days in a row this week, I don't really care, I'm getting paid. They don't pay for insurance here, which is fairly illegal, my mother is having a fit about it, because she doesn't want to pay for my insurance. I really don't care but she wants me to report them, I don't think it matters, the universe unfolds as it should, the owners certainly seem to be having a hard time of it. I'm giving back my McDonalds uniform, I will finally be closing that door for good, no matter how much they ask me back. I'm only holding myself back by holding on to those things, I need to move forward. I found my last biology textbook and I'm trying to focus but my mind has been so fragmented recently, I can barely even watch movies, I keep renting them and not watching them and then having to return them. I suppose it doesn't matter, I do work there. I've been buying a lot of movies as well, I don't exactly know what that accomplishes, I hardly ever watch them, I guess I could always say I'm learning my trade.

Life is pretty much happening without my help, I don't know how I feel about that but I have a sneaking suspision that it doesn't really matter either way.

We went to wal-mart tonight, my brother, his wife and son, and I. It was a fairly uneventful evening, but I always end up feeling lonely after spending time with them, or my other siblings for that matter. It's like I'm the fifth wheel, they all have families, I feel like I don't belong with anyone. I think I'd rather be alone than with any of them. I don't think I should feel that way and I'm not really sure why I do, I'm so tired of tagging along. Even with Rene'e, when it's just the two of us, I'd rather be alone, though I suspect that could be for other reasons. Perhaps I feel this way because I am not really comfortable with myself, so when I am with others who, although unwittingly, flaunt that which I sorely lack, I feel it more deeply. Because I feel as if I need someone, when all I need, and all I have, is myself.