lovers

I just realized last night when he came over that we've been fucking for over two years now, it's kind of sad that this is probably the most commited relationship I've ever had and probably will have for a long time. It's not even a relationship, such a thing would be unthinkable, I suppose we have only been consistent in our casual sexual encounters. We talked again, we never get to because there's usually people around after (and during) our little encounters and he clams up, so as not to let on that we are any more involved that people in our situation should be. We actually talked about what we're doing and how unbearable the thought of anyone else finding out is to both of us. I admitted to him that for I while I was beating myself up about it, I felt so guilty and dirty, I wanted more than anything to stop. But I love it, I do get pleasure out of it, although it's hard to get off when he keeps telling me to be quiet. I understand why he's so paranoid but really, most of it is needless, the idea of us fucking is the farthest thing from anyone's mind, he just has to learn how to allow others to believe what they want to believe. I told him that Amy knows and that when I told her she said she kind of suspected we were together, it worried him, if she suspected who else has. I assured him that Amy just knows me better than anyone else here, she picks up on those little changes of emotion that everyone else is just to preoccupied to notice. It's strange to think that I was fifteen when we first started having sex, he has watched me change from an innocent girl to a young woman, and the thing that throws me is, he realizes this. I've never really thought of him as being especially sensitive, or even very intelligent, he's funny yes, and smart, but not exactly intuitive. I guess I was wrong. I am suprised at how easy I find it to talk to him, I suppose he knows me physically better than anyone else, why shouldn't he know me emotionally or mentally just as well. A part of me regrets that there is absolutely no future for this, whatever it is we're doing, but not a very large part. The sex is good, it's very weird sex, not kinky weird but weird in a casual way, there's alot of laughing and shushing and whispering, and some dirty talk, although I feel kind of stupid talking dirty. I think a part of it is the envioronment, maybe that's why I've never cum, our sex is very impromptu, usually a quickie during the day, even when it is at night and he comes over we must always be quiet because there's people around. I'm always so inhibited, it's hard to let myself experience everything, to let myself feel, I have to be able to relax. All in all it's a great ego boost, he told me that it helps him get off if he thinks of me when he masturbates and I'd be lying if I didn't say the same was true for me, he has a way of making me feel sexy, when that has always seemed impossible. Now my shirt smells like him, which is not a bad thing really, what worries me is that I like it. I know I can never allow myself to fall for this person and yet I wish I could, if only for the sake of doing it, because I've never been in love.