You and me against the world

I like to think that I have a mature relationship with my parents, we respect each other as adults capable of making informed decisions. I like to think that. I realize, however, that I do not respect them because they do not, and also seem incapable of making intelligent decisions. How can you respect a person who willingly causes harm to themselves and others around them. I had not realized that adults were so selfish. Well, I suppose I always knew it was so, but I am so good at ignoring things I do not want to believe. Am I selfish for wanting my mother to love me more than she loves herself, for wanting her support, her attention? Perhaps, I mean, what have I done to deserve any of that? All my life she has tried to make me feel like I owe her something, like giving birth to me was, not a gift, but a favor, one I was obliged to repay. Am I supposed to be grateful for the years of abuse, physical, sexual, and emotional alike? Should I devote my life to serving her and making her happy? For what? For all those years I had to take care of myself, for all those times I wished I was dead? Does she honestly believe that she is worth all of the pain she has put me through? But I am at her mercy, I wish I could hate her, then she wouldn't have so much power over me. But I love my mother, for her sadness and her wasted life, I pity my mother, for her sadistic needs, I just wish my mother loved me.