prison break

Jason will be out on parole by the end of the year. I can't believe it's been over ten years since I've seen him. He's been in jail the last six years, only a fraction of his twenty year sentence, and all because of me.
I was awoken this morning by some woman leaving a message on the answering machine (it's in my room) telling me to call this number when I turn eighteen because they have a check for me. Immediately I went to my mother and she told me it was because Jason was being paroled. Up until not that long ago, I'm not sure how long because I haven't spoken about him in awhile, I haven't been able to talk about Jason without crying. Which I find strange now because he's not the first guy who's molested me. Perhaps it is because everything changed after that, all of the counselling, all of the fuss was after Jason molested me. With erin everyone sort of denies it, and he was a child at the time, though much older than my two years. Was it Jason that fucked me up or was it therapy? I suppose it was at that time that I learned the difference between appropriate and inappropriate attention, although that lesson has still to be incorporated into my daily thinking. That was when the guilt began. Sexual attention was all I had known since I was two years old, and still is, though perhaps not all. I don't know how to feel with the knowledge that he is in jail because of me, I wonder if his mother resents me in some way, no one seems to talk about it, but I mean to before I leave. I need to talk to Jason, if only to understand what really happened, I remember the last time I saw him, it was at the restaurant, I was probably only eight or so. My parent forced me to give him his order, well, not forced exactly, since I'm not sure if they were even aware of how uncomfortable I was. I'm not sure if I hid it very well or if no one noticed. I think I could be able to talk to him, of course talking about him and actually sitting face to face with the man that changed my world so drastically are two comepletely different animals. I want to tell him that I don't resent him, I thought I did, all those years, but now I realize I was only pinning all of my pain on that time in my life. It was easier, it was what everyone expected. Although that might have been a major turning point in my life, surely I have been more damaged, whether by my 'kidnapping' or by 'leon' (my fuck-buddy for the last two years), and certainly my father, those issues with him still torment me to this day. At least with the kidnapping and the sex I have found a way to cope, that has nothing to do with blood-letting. And I no longer cry when I think about Jason, perhaps we can have the kind of relationship erin and I have, although I don't believe we will, he was an adult at the time and he harbors more guilt, and he's bound to be more guarded. I also want to tell him that I know, I know I tried to be around him all the time, I knew he would give me attention, and I wanted that. I want to explain to him why I did that, if only to be able to tell someone in my family. Maybe I won't feel so disconnected. I don't even know if he'll be able to talk to me, I wonder if he thinks I hate him and I don't know how I can let him know that I don't. I suppose the ties of blood are really that powerful, after all my family has put me through, I still love them all, I don't know if I would extent the same to people not related to me. Maybe I'll email Glen and ask him what he thinks.