meth_angel

if only

2009-08-31T19:44:00.000-10:00

oh to live on sugar mountain. this song makes me long for some youth of my own again. I've begun the countdown to having this baby, and feeling free again, I suppose this is only natural, you can't be twenty on sugar mountain...always I think I left too soon. Where do I belong in a world of politics? where do politics belong in my world? when did it become policy? it seems impolite.

oh but I don't know what I'm saying anymore, I used to have so much zeal, I don't know what to say anymore.

Oh Poi!

2009-08-25T13:28:00.002-10:00

said I, to myself.

2009-08-25T12:57:00.002-10:00

I am trying to make myself sneeze. * Stop counting me! I see the numbers. * We are besieged, set at all points about us

infinite wisdom is available to us. we don't really want wisdom, we want bright colors and music to be loud enough to drown out the screaming.

I want to delete everything

2008-06-10T23:00:00.002-10:00

kill kill kiLL. I hate everything I've written, every picture I see, I want to delete it all, but myspace is fucking up. (grunting noise of impotent anger) I guess it's for the best, more inscentive to get my computer fixed, I have everything on myspace so I can get it on my hard drive, some fucking day. god I suck.

some well placed plot twists

2008-06-10T22:26:00.004-10:00

I think I've come full circle and I hate myself again, ah, it's good to be home. it's hard to miss this familiar loathing, what now right? My mind is in a state of constant rebellion, I think about things and get so fucking pist that I just shut down. like being totally numb is my new coping mechanism. No more forced wit, no more lazy sitting, the most inactive act of running away. What what WHAT do I do now boss. I am a spring, well oiled with alcohol, slowly winding up, I can hear the grinding, tinny music as I am forced down into readiness. and what then? sobriety, writing, music, trials and errors. and more friendship. I need some kind of symbolic act, some ritual to appease my procrastinating monkey. get that fucker off my back. Who am I when I have nothing to live for but the next handful of moments, perhaps some chance happiness and another randomly meaningful encounter. Can a person live and be fulfilled floating like a dust mite swept out the back door, to land in another house, on another couch. What am I doing, I ask myself, how did I get here, have I really learned to let go. my addictions are taking me places I have always been interested to see, I cannot recoil in horror now, I will not let myself. I have to wonder though, is this my resolve, will my constant second guessing offer any help. What fucking difference.

I get sucked into reality tv just like anyone else, oh god, is that what makes me human? myspace and vh1 and wildboyz? how chilling.
I love young paul newman, they don't make em like that anymore. oh, I really have nothing to offer, shortlived winning personality, that turns people cold and hot at times, I can be flaky, I can be lazy, is this really the image I project. I do not contribute, to society? to individuals? how is contribution measured? money, time, household chores, inspiration? could I ever be so vain as to say I've inspired someone? I hardly inspire myself. I am grown tired of crawling around inside my head, I'm sure anyone reading this has as well.

crazy internet person

2008-05-31T00:57:00.002-10:00

It's strange when you find your self stalking real life friends on myspace, looking at their pictures to feel like a part of their life. I have friends I haven't seen in awhile and myspace is almost the only way I know they're still alive.

I've kind of run out of motivation to learn other peoples songs, I think i need to start writing my own lyrics. I used to write so much more freely before. Maybe because I had my own computer, I always had a little notebook, I always had time to write. with kilian and now, without my own space or computer it's hard to let myself go. I don't think I ever knew how sacred I held my writing, I mean, I post most of it on the internet but I don't want anyone to see me writing it. I haven't posted much lately, I've got a lot of hand written poor me notes and some interesting pages I wonder if I'll ever see again. I really miss my laptop. It's been hard to get on the internet for awhile. and then I go crazy when I'm on it. I don't like to blog because alot of people walk in here and read over your shoulder with family. It drives me nuts. I need to go on some nature walks or something, get some perspective.

I find myself getting sucked into all of the constant drama going on all around me, I am attracted to it, I think, because it lets me escape my own dramas. I need to get up in four hours and go to hilo for what? give someone $20, try to get $50 owed to me, pick up applications, check on my return. The fucked up thing is I was really looking forward to seeing my son and I just...can't, I guess. it seems like there is nothing I can do but try to reschedule and look to next weekend, or something. I need to amend my federal return. I need to find a house. I need to get a life. Hey, this'll be fun.

burn

2008-05-15T23:49:00.002-10:00

I'm going to rebirth tomorrow, I've got my ride all lined up, I've almost got the money too. I'm so fucking excited I can't sleep. I'll be there by this time. Need to get up at five and catch the bus to hilo and pick up my guitar and backpack then catch the bus back and hopefully get some money and then meet the guy I'm going with and then wooohooo.

oh my god, it's thursday

2008-04-24T03:14:00.001-10:00

after all is said and done............................you wanna mess around?

scapegoat

2008-04-24T00:09:00.002-10:00

I have been stripped of all mementos of my childhood, incomplete as it was, I feel as if I have lost something. Maybe I've lost my memories. So, the question, how can I miss something I can't remember? I had many things, things I had kept for my future home. Things I had put in my old home that isn't home anymore. I got kicked out of my house in march and I've never felt more at home. I moved out of the house in hilo after mike left in december and moved to hawaiian acres with the creepy ipo who threatened to shoot me a couple of times and stole mike's surfboard and fishing poles. among other things. Well, my mom guys moved me out of there and I was going to go live with her again when my friend dawn found me a room with this woman down the road from where I was. She turned out to be a judgemental person with standards I could not meet so she kicked me out (funny story, I won't go into that now though). But if she hadn't I wouldn't have met david or had any of the wonderful and blessed experiences I've been fortunate enough to have lately. Even staying here at my moms for the past few weeks, where I fill my usual role a family scapegoat, I still feel the blessing. This place is getting old though, visiting my family always helps remind me of what I don't want to become, and why I'll never live with my mother. I mean, I enjoy being told I'm lazy and stupid and I'll never get anywhere and I'll never see my son again as much as the next person but really, I don't need to take this. Yes, I truly would rather be homeless, and that must twinge a bit.

mike comes back on saturday and he'll be taking kilian and his truck. god, I'll miss that truck. Nah, just kidding, I'll miss my baby. I'm dreading seeing mike, just looking back over my blog and seeing pictures of him has made me cry. I'm still grieving the family that we had started, the life we tried to make. I can't help but wonder (constantly) if he grieves as much as I do for our family. It was the only family that I felt a part of, I've always been so disconnected from my own. Even mike saw how they treated me, though that never stopped him from using them against me. I don't know what difference it makes, regretting the loss, did I really want to be with someone who would use my own family against me? a person who would tell anyone my secrets in order to curry favor for himself. I know he never made me look bad, for all that he said, he only showed himself to be untrustworthy. But that doesn't make the pain any less. I mean, I really don't mind people knowing these things about me but I'd rather be the one to tell them myself. And some people just have no right to know some things about me. I'm just waiting for that sharp stab in the stomach when I see him with Kilian. It's not possible to see your child in his father's arms without feeling something. I will feel pain. it will replace the love and hope that I used to feel at the sight. and what can I do? he really hasn't changed, at least the last time I talked to him his attitude was the same, as if I were some monster. I am the monster.
I just wish (and yes, I know this is a stupid and futile wish) that we had had one more day together, everything ended so badly. I wish I had a better memory, I wish I had made love to him one last time, fallen asleep holding him, woken up next to him. I find it harder and harder to sleep. I can't sleep at all when I think of him, even the good memories. I truly wish I never had to see him again but that's not possible. I know when I see him I will miss him even more, it's easier with him in texas, now I will know that he is here, yes, just not here for me. Is it just that I miss having a boyfriend? I don't know, it's still so painful, as much as I hate to admit that. It hurts to think of how we were happy. It hurts worse to think he wasn't happy.

0x6med3v9tafv

2008-04-09T01:59:00.001-10:00

this is my page now
0x6med3v9tafv

2008-04-09T01:34:00.001-10:00

No explanation necessary, I trust

the tip of the tongue

2008-04-06T22:27:00.002-10:00

inspiration has waited so long for me.
coming back to the words I used
to define myself by.
I haven't looked at myself lately,
really looked.
I don't like what I've been.

I found my loss to be,
in truth, my gain.
I never would have felt that touch,
calm and confidence and restraint,
that loosed me from my sanity.

I think passion might have freed me,
at least to seek my soul,
or to hear that voice,
low and sweet and sarcastic.
To laugh and to find my own.

Awww Shit.

2008-03-28T10:21:00.002-10:00

It's been almost two years since I posted, so much has happened, aww shit, I don't even remember half of it. I've been uninspired, not to mention living out in fern forest, which I think qualifies as one of those bumfuck nowhere places. I'm a houseless single mother now, my son is 15 months old. We are totally homeless by choice, weird as that sounds, and it isn't going to be for much longer. Prolly be indoors again by the end of next month. Indoors, I love that, you know a person was homeless if they tell you they are living indoors. We walk all over hilo town all day, I know all the hilo people now, I've gotta say I've been enjoying myself immensely.

ok monday.

2006-05-01T01:09:00.000-10:00

whew, I just read my last post, written how long ago, it has been seven months since that night I first fucked mike and my goodness how things have changed. I suppose the first order of business would be to continue the story of that night and the next day and then of course all of the days that followed. Unfortunately my sense of chronological order has long since been lost and I could probably never describe clearly all that has happened since then, but I think I'll give it the old college try.

As the events of that night become clearer to me I regret more than anything that I am not capable of remembering fully what happened, or of tranferring that amazing sense of novelty that permeated the entire evening. That night was an entirely new experience for me, and I wish my words could do justice to that feeling.

Well, let's see, I think at about the same time mike and I were fooling around, madison and jesse decided to go off by themselves. Essentially, they lost themselves in the night...and in my yard.

We left my room and hung out with renee and sean, sitting on the sofa that was out on the porch. At one point my dad came into the kitchen while mike was sitting next to me with his arm around me. We had run out of weed by this time but mike said there was more in his car, of course no one wanted to walk all the way down to the culdesac to get it. This problem was easily remedied though when mike agreed to give my mom a little weed if I could take the truck. The drive was as uneventful as, looking back on it all, the rest of the night seems to have been. madison and jesse eventually found their way back to the house and renee and sean tried and failed at losing their virginities and they all ended up sleeping on the pull out sofa in the living room.

Mike and I got about three hours of sleep that night. We lay there and talked for awhile, about his ex and what he didn't want in a girl. I remember him telling me not to fall in love with him and that he didn't want a girlfriend. When finally we turned off the light and decided to sleep, we didn't do a very good job. Lying there next to him, naked next to a man for the first time in my life, I was in no way able to sleep. We had sex again, sweaty, passionate, under the covers sex, then a short nap and another round. A couple more hours went by and five o'clock followed on their heels to find us at it again, waking everyone up and using the last condom. We stayed in until around seven, just holding each other and dozing. Finally we all had to get up, mike was already two hours late for work. The boys walked down the hill, leaving the ladies to clean, and renee and I to the truly amazing and amusing discovery that madison fell off a cliff last night, which explained her pants being so dirty.

I don't quite remember anything else about that day except the last hour or so of work, I was closing that night, mike showed up at around seven and asked if I wanted to go home with him when I got off. I called my mom and asked if I could stay over at renee's house after work and she said yes without question. Later that night I went to mike's house, thankfully renee and madison were there too, and we all got drunk again. I think I stayed for one more day after that, calling my mom on sean's cell phone and stretching the lie a little more. When finally I went home I thought I would never see mike again.

but I couldn't let that happen now could I.......

2006-04-28T13:19:00.000-10:00

I love this picture

2006-04-28T13:15:00.000-10:00

I'm not sleeping

I love sundays.

2005-10-19T10:23:00.000-10:00

sitting in borders with renee, we've been here since they opened and we'll be here still as the hours float by on the jazz they're playing over the loudspeaker. I know I haven't written in awhile, this is not because I have nothing to write about it is because so much has been going on.

It started the last week of september, and I hope it never ends. I had convinced my parents to let Renee and Madison, her woman-in-tow, come up to my house, I also had to convince renee which angered her mother, but that's beside the point. The only condition was we had to run to the grocery store before we came up. Then renee had the brilliant idea of bringing her boyfriend up too, needless to say I was freaking out a little but in the end I agreed. At choicemart she called her boyfriend, sean, and we headed up to his house.

I suppose the whole sean-renee thing needs some explaining, so bear with me as I backstory, because it actually has alot to do with the rest of my story.

Earlier that fateful september I was slaving away at the video store, renee and madison were with me (they were my ride to work), when two guys walked in. One of them, Sean, I had never seen before, renee took an instant liking to him and madison got his number for her and the rest is, well, history. The other guy, Mike, was a frequent customer and a dedicated fee-payer. We had, on occasion, exchanged playful banter and movie reviews and I had developed a little bit of a crush on him. Of course, to the best of my knowledge, he had a girlfriend. So I left it at that.

And, with that out of the way, I shall continue my story.

Now, it just so happens, that on the ride up to sean's house I mention my little crush, and find out they live in the same house, and he's broken up with his girlfriend. May I point out that I am not really very attractive, at least, I don't think so, and that day I was looking far from my best. So, I panicked. We pull into sean's driveway and, as luck would have it, mike's just about to leave. The process of which was hindered by renee parking directly behind him. Then Sean comes and everybody decides to get out and play video games. I am hell bent on staying in that car, saying I need to get home and the ice cream is melting and whatnot. There I am sitting in the car when I see mike. So does renee, and then she does something I will be forever grateful to her for, she tells mike he has to go and say hi to the girl in the car. He recognized me after a second and we started joking, I finally get out of the car and everyone decides to go. To my house.

Now, I'm still not quite clear on how we arrived at this course of action, from what I gathered, mike and Jesse, another housemate, were going to Ali'i drive to "pick up some older chicks", the next thing I know they're pulling us over on the road asking if they can come up. I finally caved, and we all agreed on meeting in the parking lot in front of the video store. They were going to buy alcohol, cigarettes and condoms and I had some business to take care of. Of course, they took much longer than I expected and sean went up to check on them, then I freaked out some more. When we finally got back on the road, three girls in our car and three guys in the car behind us, I was resigned to my fate, death by parents.

They followed us in the gate and up to the culdesac and we piled into the toyota, guys in back, and with one final "just don't make any noise when we get up there", we headed up the hill. In the driveway, they all jump out and hide behind the truck, but too late, the mother has caught on. I go and smooth things over with the tiger and was pleasantly suprised to find she was quite cool about it. I get back to the car to find the boys still hiding, an interesting sight, what with them all being really tall. We grab the groceries an head into the kitchen. The rest of the evening I can only really remember in fragments. We all had captain morgan and canada dry, listened to music and joked. Then they found my shotglasses. I took two shots with madison and one with mike and had a few hits of their weed, and had the urge to play the guitar. I get my rouge out and play a couple of songs for them, then bask in their compliments. Mike has to use the bathroom so I show him into my very untidy room, where he meets cheops, my giraffe.

At some point in the evening, we ended up in the front yard. By this time I am really drunk, as is everyone else. The guys take to riding my nephew's tricyle down the hill and eventually breaking it. I'm just trying to keep from embarassing myself at this point, laughing and smoking and leaning against the tree. Things seemed to be going okay with mike but I just can't be sure, too much weed, too much alcohol. I leave to go to the bathroom, praying with every step that I don't throw up, and I notice mike following behind me. I wasn't in the right state of mind to think anything about this other than "oh please don't let him hear me throw up", so I slowly make my way up to my room. Thankfully I didn't throw up but the world was still spinning so I sat on my bed and rested my head in my hands when I heard a knock on the door. "Yeah...Come in." Mike opens the door and we exchange and akward hello before he sits on my giraffe. This part of the conversation I can probably remember word for word because it's the sweetest thing I've ever experienced.

"I'm really nervous," mike confesses to me.
"Why?" because I can't for the life of me understand.
"Because I want to kiss you."
I can feel my eyes widen, "oh."
That probably wasn't the response he was looking for so he asked, "can I?"
"Yes."

I probably should have handled that better. But it seemed to do the trick, one thing led to another and then I open my eyes and I'm lying on my bed kissing him. I have decided since that I thourougly enjoy kissing. I would like to do it as much as possible. I also like sex. We did that too. Either I'm doing something wrong or orgasms really aren't all thy're made out to be, but it was still good. We had sex twice and were lying on the bed, him almost naked from the waist down when rene'e walked in. "Oh..." Then sean came up behind her. "OH..." They hesitate for a second, like two deer caught in the headlights, before sean pulls the door shut. "This room is occupied," I call to them.

Much, much more happened that night, but I have run out of time.
To be continued........................

a mixed rant

2005-09-20T22:53:00.000-10:00

I got the strangest sensation of deja vu earlier, I was talking to renee and the conversation seemed a little too familiar. The thing is, it was a conversation that I had thought of before, one that I had been planning to say if the oppurtunity ever presented itself. So now I can't help but wonder, is it deja vu, or have I just repeated these conversations in my head so many times that everything is like a play that I've laid out in my mind. I've always been able to bring a conversation to a point or an amusing little anecdote I've been itching to say, I'm a good enough actor to make it seem spontaneous and I can change any little words that seem wrong in the moment and true, they don't always end up like I'd hoped but the overall effect is still the same. Is my life some product of my own imaginations or am I just lucky? Am I truly manipulating the circumstances or is it all ruled by chance?

Part of the Problem
Cd players are fast becoming a thing of the past, almost everyone has an ipod nowadays. I can't afford one so, naturally, I'm religiously opposed to them. My cd player plays mp3 cds but I honestly have no earthly idea how many cds it would take to burn my entire music collection, and who can afford AA batteries anyway? I had to scrap the ones from my remote just to get my cd player to tell me my batteries were low. Everything seems to be getting smaller, cassette players were too bulky and you wouldn't be caught dead today carrying around a diskman or a regular ipod, now that they have a mini version. Even batteries are getting smaller. What is with mankind's need to make things more convenient? Nothing is ever truly convenient, convenience store prices are anything but and it seems that the smaller things get the larger the price tag, I remember how long I had to save up to get my cd player and now it's all but obsolete. Is change our salvation or our curse? Our economy is racing to keep up with our technology and never quite making it. I wonder what will become obsolete next, VCR's have become an endangered species, Laptops have all of the capabilities of a home PC, floppy disks, VHS, Cassette tapes, all of these things no longer have any place in a world of jump drives and dvds. And the people are all struggling to keep abreast with the latest developments in and already overflowing catalog of new and improved gadgets. We discard words and ideas as quickly as we do our latest toys. Lifestyles are thrown away, values reprogrammed with every new generation, society's norms readjusted to fit popular culture, I wonder, when will life altogether become obsolete? Already we've given up human relationships for those we've formed with beloved television characters, and why go out when anyone can meet their soulmate over the internet? Surely becoming an actor will secure me a place in the hearts of the masses, and may even make me into a contributing member of society, but is being a contributing member of society really more important that being a contributing member of humanity?

politics

2005-09-20T22:52:00.000-10:00

I don't really get into politics, politicians are supposed to represent the people's wants, needs, and intentions, but all of that gets mixed up in money and reputations, it turns into a popularity contest, they lose sight of what they were fighting for.

2005-09-14T13:56:00.000-10:00

the view

2005-09-14T13:52:00.000-10:00

reflections

2005-09-14T13:51:00.002-10:00

if I can't see you, you can't see me

2005-09-14T13:51:00.001-10:00

a pink panther

2005-09-14T13:51:00.000-10:00

a tiger

2005-09-14T13:50:00.000-10:00

a piece from my personal collection

2005-09-14T13:49:00.000-10:00

a light in the trees

random thoughts

2005-09-14T01:52:00.000-10:00

I have a myspace address, an address of my very own, woooohooooo!!!!!!!!!!! www.myspace.com/sqwerty , I need friends, desparately.

I've decided to buy a Jack Rabbit.

My leg really hurts in this position.

I just can't take a good picture of myself. It's impossible. I think it might be me.

My refrigerator is making a really strange noise righ now and I don't know what to do.

I should have went to werk today.

a lament for 4229

2005-09-14T01:43:00.000-10:00

I don't know what happened to it but now my favorite blog seems to be written by a completely different person, I dindn't even know the guys name, I only knew his life was so much more interesting than mine, and now he's gone. So here is my poetic lament for my fallen idol.

oh fourty-two
twenty-nine
where have you gone
you made my life seem
so boring
but without you
it is much worse

I hate myspace

2005-09-14T01:31:00.000-10:00

I'm almost finished uploading my photos onto my myspace page, oh wait, is my hypocrisy showing.

anyway, that last post I wrote the other day and much has changed since then. For one, I got my camera, and I'm expecting my new mamory card any day now. I was really suprised at how small the thing was, it fits in the palm of my hand. I'm checking out a hi8 camera for 200 on overstock.com, that's next months buy, I really need to start saving more money or they really are gonna have to slingshot me to california. I guess I'm relying on my luck which, given my past experience, probably isn't wise. But I never said I was wise, that's what other people say, I just say I'm lucky.My lover is sick and I didn't have a cigarette until 7:00 then I had three and that's all I'll be having until the 16th. To be realistic though, I'm probably looking at tommorrow afternoon tops. I can live without them, I just don't want to.
I was looking around on the internet for and external drive that I can hook a vcr up to to edit films, I finally found one, the ADVC 300, it's a thing of beauty but the lowest price I can find for it is upwards of $400. And I am nothing if not impatient. So do I wait or blow my next three paychecks on this thing that, to be honest, I probably won't get much use out of right now. I think I'll make myself wait, at least until after I move.

it ain't me babe

2005-09-14T01:28:00.000-10:00

09.12.05
I haven't written anything in so long, I wonder if that means I'm happy, maybe just busy. I must be content, I haven't changed, I realize I don't change that often. At least not on the outside. Smoking has really messed me up, or not. I bought a camcorder, eight days ago, it still hasn't shipped yet so I'm going insane checking my email every day only to be met with disappointment. Of course six days later I bought a memory card for it so even if my camera does ship anytime in the next decade I won't have to worry about going untortured. That's how I get by, I guess the pain is how I know I'm alive, yeah, bullshit. Work is the same as always, boring as all hell, but good time to go online and practice guitar. And download. I got the new Our Lady Peace Album before it was even released. Perfect condition.
I think I've made myself to readily available, I guess I really am an attention whore, so no more sex for awhile. I'm gonna need more cigarettes. Of course now I'm completely broke, so no smoking until the 16th and since the guy I have sex with and the guy I bum cigarettes off are one and the same, it's gonna be cold turkey for me. Or not, hmmmm.

one of the only pictures you'll ever see of me

2005-09-14T00:55:00.000-10:00

sometimes I wonder if the person I see in the mirror is really me, is it my illusions or is reality the problem. Would I recognize myself by sight? Do I define myself by my phisical apperance or are my thoughts and emotions what define my physical appearance. So many questions left unanswered, I'm tired and I want a cigarette.

not to brag or anything but...

2005-09-11T14:15:00.000-10:00

Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates a	11
your best quality is	youre fun to hang around
your worst quality is	you get in trouble sometimes
this is because	you were always this way

Quiz created with MemeGen!

cockicidal maniac

2005-08-31T15:27:00.000-10:00

"Don't listen to her, she's suicidal."

"I'm not suicidal!"

"So you weren't hospitalized in a mental institute for being suicidal?"

"Okay...I guess I was."

so....how was jail?

2005-08-31T14:40:00.000-10:00

My lover was in jail. For three days. I guess they didn't have any room, he slept in the hallway between a black guy and a scary italian, both threatening to 'shank' each other. Since we are not dating make up sex is definitely out of the question and I was wondering if post prison sex would be anything special. Maybe this all depends on the guy but it really wasn't all that much better, I can say however that absence makes definetly the....well, you can think of your own sexual similie there. It's naughty mad libs.

prison break

2005-08-31T14:38:00.000-10:00

Jason will be out on parole by the end of the year. I can't believe it's been over ten years since I've seen him. He's been in jail the last six years, only a fraction of his twenty year sentence, and all because of me.
I was awoken this morning by some woman leaving a message on the answering machine (it's in my room) telling me to call this number when I turn eighteen because they have a check for me. Immediately I went to my mother and she told me it was because Jason was being paroled. Up until not that long ago, I'm not sure how long because I haven't spoken about him in awhile, I haven't been able to talk about Jason without crying. Which I find strange now because he's not the first guy who's molested me. Perhaps it is because everything changed after that, all of the counselling, all of the fuss was after Jason molested me. With erin everyone sort of denies it, and he was a child at the time, though much older than my two years. Was it Jason that fucked me up or was it therapy? I suppose it was at that time that I learned the difference between appropriate and inappropriate attention, although that lesson has still to be incorporated into my daily thinking. That was when the guilt began. Sexual attention was all I had known since I was two years old, and still is, though perhaps not all. I don't know how to feel with the knowledge that he is in jail because of me, I wonder if his mother resents me in some way, no one seems to talk about it, but I mean to before I leave. I need to talk to Jason, if only to understand what really happened, I remember the last time I saw him, it was at the restaurant, I was probably only eight or so. My parent forced me to give him his order, well, not forced exactly, since I'm not sure if they were even aware of how uncomfortable I was. I'm not sure if I hid it very well or if no one noticed. I think I could be able to talk to him, of course talking about him and actually sitting face to face with the man that changed my world so drastically are two comepletely different animals. I want to tell him that I don't resent him, I thought I did, all those years, but now I realize I was only pinning all of my pain on that time in my life. It was easier, it was what everyone expected. Although that might have been a major turning point in my life, surely I have been more damaged, whether by my 'kidnapping' or by 'leon' (my fuck-buddy for the last two years), and certainly my father, those issues with him still torment me to this day. At least with the kidnapping and the sex I have found a way to cope, that has nothing to do with blood-letting. And I no longer cry when I think about Jason, perhaps we can have the kind of relationship erin and I have, although I don't believe we will, he was an adult at the time and he harbors more guilt, and he's bound to be more guarded. I also want to tell him that I know, I know I tried to be around him all the time, I knew he would give me attention, and I wanted that. I want to explain to him why I did that, if only to be able to tell someone in my family. Maybe I won't feel so disconnected. I don't even know if he'll be able to talk to me, I wonder if he thinks I hate him and I don't know how I can let him know that I don't. I suppose the ties of blood are really that powerful, after all my family has put me through, I still love them all, I don't know if I would extent the same to people not related to me. Maybe I'll email Glen and ask him what he thinks.

paper

2005-08-12T17:03:00.000-10:00

this is what it's supposed to look like

ink

2005-08-12T16:50:00.000-10:00

Ok, it's freehand and more than a little crooked but it's temporary. I think I'll get some henna and do it with that, I need to put lines first though. And I did the eyes wrong

hibiscus

2005-08-09T19:20:00.000-10:00

I've been trying to get a picture of the flower near the place I work, I need a good digital camera, this is just the most amazing flower I have ever seen. It's this creamy white with a tinge of yellow and pink hibiscus, the petals look like clouds. This one is gorgeous but it just doesn't compare. I think my favorite flowers are orchids, plumerias, and of course, the hibiscus.

iceland two

2005-08-09T19:16:00.001-10:00

And another, I have to go to iceland someday.

iceland one

2005-08-09T19:16:00.000-10:00

a picture of iceland that I stole from the beowulf & grendel movie site.

the rabbits

2005-08-09T19:15:00.000-10:00

I think there are rabbits in there somewhere, my grandpa sent this to me from Arizona.

2005-08-09T19:13:00.000-10:00

the cheshire cat

it's delicate

2005-08-09T19:05:00.000-10:00

'delicate' by Damien Rice, I really love this song and I'm learning how to play it on my guitar.

paraglider too

2005-08-09T19:04:00.000-10:00

Another of him actually off the ground, I need to get a better digital camera, it's really amazing to watch.

paraglider

2005-08-09T19:02:00.001-10:00

a not-so-good photo of the paragliders jumping off my front yard.

the cave

2005-08-09T19:02:00.000-10:00

I have no idea what this is, it was in the file renee gave me along with her book, pretty though...

photoblogging is grand!!!!

2005-08-09T18:58:00.000-10:00

I just installed hello and picasa, I can't believe I waited this long after reinstalling windows, now I've got a bunch of pictures to post so, here goes.

lovers

2005-08-09T18:52:00.000-10:00

I just realized last night when he came over that we've been fucking for over two years now, it's kind of sad that this is probably the most commited relationship I've ever had and probably will have for a long time. It's not even a relationship, such a thing would be unthinkable, I suppose we have only been consistent in our casual sexual encounters. We talked again, we never get to because there's usually people around after (and during) our little encounters and he clams up, so as not to let on that we are any more involved that people in our situation should be. We actually talked about what we're doing and how unbearable the thought of anyone else finding out is to both of us. I admitted to him that for I while I was beating myself up about it, I felt so guilty and dirty, I wanted more than anything to stop. But I love it, I do get pleasure out of it, although it's hard to get off when he keeps telling me to be quiet. I understand why he's so paranoid but really, most of it is needless, the idea of us fucking is the farthest thing from anyone's mind, he just has to learn how to allow others to believe what they want to believe. I told him that Amy knows and that when I told her she said she kind of suspected we were together, it worried him, if she suspected who else has. I assured him that Amy just knows me better than anyone else here, she picks up on those little changes of emotion that everyone else is just to preoccupied to notice. It's strange to think that I was fifteen when we first started having sex, he has watched me change from an innocent girl to a young woman, and the thing that throws me is, he realizes this. I've never really thought of him as being especially sensitive, or even very intelligent, he's funny yes, and smart, but not exactly intuitive. I guess I was wrong. I am suprised at how easy I find it to talk to him, I suppose he knows me physically better than anyone else, why shouldn't he know me emotionally or mentally just as well. A part of me regrets that there is absolutely no future for this, whatever it is we're doing, but not a very large part. The sex is good, it's very weird sex, not kinky weird but weird in a casual way, there's alot of laughing and shushing and whispering, and some dirty talk, although I feel kind of stupid talking dirty. I think a part of it is the envioronment, maybe that's why I've never cum, our sex is very impromptu, usually a quickie during the day, even when it is at night and he comes over we must always be quiet because there's people around. I'm always so inhibited, it's hard to let myself experience everything, to let myself feel, I have to be able to relax. All in all it's a great ego boost, he told me that it helps him get off if he thinks of me when he masturbates and I'd be lying if I didn't say the same was true for me, he has a way of making me feel sexy, when that has always seemed impossible. Now my shirt smells like him, which is not a bad thing really, what worries me is that I like it. I know I can never allow myself to fall for this person and yet I wish I could, if only for the sake of doing it, because I've never been in love.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

2005-08-05T22:05:00.000-10:00

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.

For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

my first cigarette

2005-07-30T23:29:00.000-10:00

Last night was my stepsister's birthday party, I had to work so I didn't go, aside from the fact that I didn't even know it was happening, I am sorry I missed it though. But I think I had enough fun that evening anyway. I wasn't in a good mood when my parent picked me up though, for some reason people only want to rent videos five minutes before closing so I ended up staying for about fifteen minutes longer than I wanted to. I know that doesn't seem that bad but I had already run out of cigarettes the night before and I don't get paid until monday so I just wanted to go home and sleep so I wouldn't have to think about the next three days I'd have to go without. We had to stop at the gas station to get my mom cigarettes, she needed to stock up (something I should probably consider doing myself), while she was in the store I mentioned to my dad that she owed me two packs, as I had bought them for her a few weeks ago. Of course, since she doesn't know that I smoke I certainly can't remind her of that so I said to him that I'd just have to go without for the next four days. And it was at that precise moment that my mother got to the car.

"Without what for four days?"

"Soda", I said immediately, "I haven't had one for four days, aren't you proud?" This was pretty much true, give or take a day or three.

"Oh, yeah."

"I'm just sticking to water now, even though I don't really like this water," I held up my menehune water bottle, the only kind they sell at work, "it tastes like plastic."

"Give me a drink of that," she took a swig, "I can't taste anything." She lit her cigarette and held it up, "You should have one of these, you won't taste anything either."

My dad lets out a stifled laugh, "yeah," I say, "give me one of those and maybe I'll drink more water"

"No, you don't want one while your in the car, you'll be so sick. You probably won't eat for weeks."

"I don't think so," my dad says and we both burst out laughing.

"Oh no," she insists, "you'll be all sick and your head will be spinning, you won't want to eat anything. You'll probably lose weight."

"Hmmm, well maybe I should try one."

"No, then Dan'll have to be running to the store to get you cigarettes all the time."

My dad just can't seem to stop laughing and this point and I'm sitting there behind him, covering my face with one hand and slapping his shoulder with the other. My mother just doesn't seem to realize that she is in the middle of one big private joke.

I was really hoping she'd give me one, just so I could cough and act all sick, like a test of my skills, unfortunately by the time we got home the matter was forgotten. Just something else for me and my dad to laugh about when she's not in the room.

general surgeon

2005-07-26T12:28:00.000-10:00

I place death's decorative handle
between my two fingers
and bring it to my lips,
embracing the smoke like an old friend.
my only friend, it takes pity on me,
encircling my fingers like ghostly rings
and clouding my vision,
keeping from me what I don't want to see
how can something so fatal
be so beautiful?

turkish jade

2005-07-26T12:25:00.000-10:00

Turkish tobacco is light and smooth
but strong, so strong,
and the jade cuts my throat as I inhale.
I was about to say I should quit
but I know I won't,
why raise false hopes
in those of you left
with any hope for me at all.
It's not my regular cigarette,
it tastes too expensive for me,
only to get me through the night.
who knows how I'll get through tomorrow.
Relying on the kindness of strangers
and my skills as a petty thief,
trusting in god to give me all that I'll need
to self-destruct.

thicker than blood

2005-07-25T21:45:00.000-10:00

It would be easier if my parents were just dead, then I would have a reason to greive for them, they are still here but I grieve for them already. Then it would be okay for me to feel like this, then I wouldn't have to be angry with them. If they were just dead.
When I went to the hospital I was living with my father, on my last day there they told me I had to decide whether or not I would live with my mother or go back to my father, I told them I would rather live in a group home than to go back to either, but in the end I had to decide to live with my mom, I guess that's what everyone expected me to do. When I got out and went back to my dad's house to get all of my things I found that he had thrown everything into trash bags and dumped them, with my dog, at my grandmother's house. His gate was locked and he had taped a note to a tree at the end of his drive way for me. In it he basically wished me a happy life and said he hoped I found all I needed, like I hurt him and he was just ready to never see me again. I don't remember exactly what it said and I tore it up because I was so angry, of course now I wish I'd kept it but I suppose it's better I didn't, it'd only torture me. But just the fact that he was so willing to just give up, like it wouldn't bother him that he didn't have a daughter anymore. He's always been that way though, when my parents first got divorced and they had joint custody he had something like every weekend and every other wednesday to see me but he never did. He just didn't want to be my father, and he still doesn't. If I don't take the initiative I would probably never see my father, as it is we haven't spoken in months, and not for lack of trying, he just doen't return my calls. I've gone years without seeing my father, and for most of my life he's lived less than a two hour drive away. He may as well be dead, or I may as well be.

cocaine....runnin' all around my brain

2005-07-25T21:42:00.000-10:00

I just walked in on my dad and my uncle doing a line of coke. I just sort of walked away, then we all talked as if nothing had happened. I lit a cigarette, normally I wouldn't smoke in front of my uncle but what the fuck is he going to say? Even he wouldn't be that hyppocritical. I feel strangely apathetic, I know this should probably affect me but I just can't seem to care. I mean, I knew they did it but knowing and seeing it are two entirely different animals. I just felt like I saw something I shouldn't have, and nobody said anything about it, I guess they know I won't say anything. Normally I can tell if my dad is high or not, it was when he was really fucked up that he would molest me, but I'm not sure if he did anything now, he was talking alot, about normal things, but I'm not sure if that was to cover up the fact that he just did or that I just saw him about to do it. He was cutting on the picture of Colton, his grandson. For some strange reason it was the most comfortable I've felt around either of them, or my uncle at least, it was as if I was in denial before, and I found myself resenting them. Now it's like I've just accepted them, and they accept me, I guess we're cool. Not that what they're doing is ok, or that I approve in any way, but it's like now I've come to terms with it, it's no longer my problem. I can just imagine what my mother would do if she'd been in my place. It's a fact of life though, they seem more real, more honest now. Dad's admitted to me that he does drugs, we talk about it sometimes, he doesn't feel as if he's doing anything wrong or that he has a problem. I guess they are more human to me now, I didn't realize how much I resented them until now, I guess because they're my family, I had expectations for them because I love them. Now I realize that it was all wasted, they are who they are and they are not perfect, I feel better now that they're not hiding it from me, if they continue to it would be pointless. I wandered into the room to see if there was anything left on the picture while they were in the living room, I was curious, I want to know what it feels like, I know I would never ask, and they would probably never give me. I can't help it though, I guess it'd be just one more thing to torment myself with, one more way to escape. I don't feel let down, it's more like I was the one who wronged them, expecting them to be something other than what they are just for me. I'm suprised I'm so objective about this, I guess I shouldn't be, hysteria really isn't in character for me. I guess I'm glad this happened, because I was able to identify one more of my illusions and clear myself of it.

oh and another thing

2005-07-03T03:11:00.000-10:00

I found this book on one of the tables outside the corner pocket, an AA book with quotes and as soon as I opened it I found this amazing quote, it was like fate. The first in a series of proufond encounters that fateful night.

No longer is my past an autobiography. It is a reference book to be taken down, opened and shared. Today as I report for duty, the most wonderful picture comes through. For, though this day be dark -- ans some days must be -- the stars will shine even brighter later. My witness that they do shine will be called for in the very near future. All my past will this day be a part of me, because it is the key not the lock.

bass-ackwards day

2005-07-03T02:51:00.000-10:00

It just occured to me that I haven't ever really mentioned Amy before or how I met her, and although nobody actually cares, it just bothers me that I've left that out. My parent have their whole wednesday night dinner thing, which is supposed to be at a different person's house every week but, more often than, it gets moved to our house. For a couple of weeks Dude hadn't been coming and I heard something about him having a new girlfriend that was half his age but it really wasn't any of my business so I didn't pay it any mind, one wednesday he brought her, and she her guitar. Well I was automatically drawn to her by that, I got out my guitar and we started playing a little, she was teaching me how to play some songs she wrote and she offered to give me some free lessons. I was thrilled to say the least, for some reason I just can't seem to learn guitar from books, music theory is too boring, and just watching her that night I learned more than I ever had from any book. I didn't really take the offer for lessons too seriously at the time though, she seemed a bit cracked out at the time, but still genuinely weird (in the good way). That was the night she broke one of my guitar strings, the high e, which I still haven't replaced yet. Over the next couple of weeks she was in and out of the hospital, the psychiatric ward, and the cracked out behavior made sense finally, the next time she came for dinner she was more lucid and I really got to know her better. We played guitar again, her beautifully and me badly, and she's let me borrow one of her classical guitars, which has become my new favorite thing-that-isn't-mine in the world. I went to her house and helped her paint her room and we went to the movies and to the bhudahead concert and I think that pretty much brings us up to where we are. I've become a better guitar player in the past month that in all the two years I've been playing, just watching her is inspirational. I wrote two songs of my own, one of which I played for her and was pretty well recieved. I never thought I could write a song, I just couldn't understand how. We talk about philosophy and life, she is so amazingly open to everything and she has such faith, I'm not sure what she has faith in but it's incredible to witness. She's been through so much, I really identify with her, and I've learned so much from her, and her innocence. She's really my best friend right now, as stupid as that sounds.

Clubhouseing

2005-07-03T02:19:00.000-10:00

I fell asleep at around four this afternoon, well technically it was yesterday, and woke up at eight so I don't think I'll be able to get any sleep tonight. I was just so tired after yesterday, Amy and I went to the corner pocket to listen to clubhouse underground, they were pretty good, the singer was kind of blah but they did some good covers. It was around 12:30 when the owner finally threw me out, apparantly you're not supposed to be in a bar unless your 21, of course this was after I'd been there since nine and already had a few drinks. We were supposed to go to hilo on the bus today but Amy just got a job so we went after I got off work to celebrate. It was altogether pretty fun, the kind of music you can dance to, not like the last time we went when bhudahead was playing. It was a little weird that time though, the lead singer of bhudahead is Amy's ex, and she was getting a little down towards the end of the night. This time was great, we met some interesting people, or I met them as Amy already knew most of them. Like I've said before, I don't get out much. There was this amazing guy there with his son, he used to run the kona psychic center, normally I don't buy into that astrology stuff but this guy was just incredibly wise. I talked with him for most of the night while his son chatted up Amy. Talking to him was like confirming my own beliefs and incorporating new things at the same time, it was like getting validation. He read mine and Amy's palms, I've had my palm read before and it was fairly accurate but this guy knew intimate details, like my relationship with my parents, especially my father. After a while I needed some time to think so I decided to go for a walk while I finished my cigarette, Amy joined me and we walked across the street to a dark driveway and just talked for awile, mostly about molestation and my theories on victims. I'm really glad I met Amy, I feel so comfortable around her. A little while after we got back is when I got kicked out but I was only waiting outside for about a half hour before we left, they came outside and we talked with Dan some more and Nate, his son. They gave us a ride to Amy's house where her mother was having a poker game, Dan and Nate stayed for awhile and Amy played a couple of songs and Dan played one song that Amy had been talking about all night, Infant Ballet, it was really a beautiful song. She had to go to sleep after that because she worked in the morning but I decided to stay up for awhile, the power went out around the time Dan and Nate were about to leave so I decided to go to sleep then. We got up at eight in the morning and just laid there in bed for an hour, when we finally went downstairs we found that John, who was at the poker game, had stayed the night. We just hung around in the dining room for most of the morning, I played Amy the song I had written, my very first, after John left. We left at ten thirty and I waited for my dad to pick me up across the street from manago's, where Amy works, he was taking Laura to work and to the bank, we went to mcdonalds after we dropped her off because we had to feed my mother. So I got home, ate and took a shower and watched a movie and passed out. We really should do that again. Nate is having a birthday party on monday and I think I'll try to go, if only to talk to Dan again.

work in progress

2005-06-26T19:05:00.000-10:00

I am in the process of slowly modifying the template of this blog to suit my diabolical plan, just today I have added a new thing "right there for all the world to see", a collection of links to interesting sites or perhaps posts that I am fond of. I'm sure no one really gives a damn, so I'm pretty much just tooting my own horn here, but what the fuck, this is the internet, if you don't like what you've got, happiness is only a mouse click away. Perhaps not lasting happiness, but instant gratification has always been more rewarding hasn't it?

gmail anyone?

2005-06-26T18:26:00.000-10:00

okay, I really want to get rid of these invites so if anyone wants a gmail account, and they are pretty awesome, just email me (meth.angel@gmail.com) and I'll send you one.

another social comment from a reluctant member of society.

2005-06-26T04:16:00.000-10:00

I've decided to take up smoking. Sure it's another six months or so until I turn 18 but what the fuck, at least I know what I'm getting into. Knowing me, I probably won't be smoking after I turn 18 anyway, just like I probably won't be drinking after I turn 21. Why can't I decide? Society's definition of adulthood is too fucked up to be taken seriously. You can fly a plane solo when you're 15, drive when you're sixteen, you're responsible for your own traffic tickets at 16, have sex at 17, smoke when you're 18, drink when you're 21, but you can't rent a car until your 25. Good luck finding an apartment at 18 too. They can't just draw a line and say "here, now you're an adult, you are responsible for taking care of yourself" because everyone matures differently. With the way the world is today most children are taking care of themselves years before they turn 18. I guess I can understand why they spread things out so much, except for the rent-a-car thing...that just makes no fucking sense, but it still doesn't mean I'm going to live ny those rules. I guess I'm just one of those people who thinks the rules don't apply to me. With the way young people are today I guess they need these rules, these whining bastards aren't capable of making intelligent decisions, they'll do whatever the media tells them to, whatever the celebrities are endorsing, or in some cases the exact opposite. These people are no more capable of understanding what they need than little children, perhaps even less so.

I speak of the younger generation, generation x, as if I weren't one of them. I really don't think I am, there are alot of people who would say otherwise but then, they don't know me anyway. Most people don't really want to get to know each other, I suppose it's because then they'd realize that they aren't all so unique, they aren't all that special. I guess when you realize that there are countless numbers of people out there with the same feelings as you, the same addictions, you see that all of this angst you've been carrying around isn't what makes you different, it's what makes you the same. You are faced with the fact that you are not really a person, you are an automaton, a sheep in human clothing, something that vaguely resembles a human being but lacks the honesty, the realness of one. You are a part of Generation X, the self aware, self inflicted, self denial, selfish generation, trying so hard to change the world without ever having lived in it, without ever truly experiencing it.

Disposable language should be the trademark of our era. People are so afraid of silence that we must fill every moment with sound, until all of it is meaningless, and those with something important to say have to take more and more drastic measures to communicate them. Death has become the new media for communication, but still we cannot hear, so more people have to die, in more horrific ways, just to get a point across. Even now the method is becoming so overused that we are closing our ears to it. Why are we so uncomfortable with silence? Are we afraid of hearing ourselves think, or of the utter silence we will find within our hearts and minds, with only the echoes of guilt reverberating off our inner walls.

We run so hard from despair and depression, take another pill, anything to fill your empty life. We'd rather feel something fake, a chemical reaction, than work through our emotions and try to understand them. Everyone is depressed nowadays, but why shouldn't they be, is the world so great that depression is so out of place? A disease, or just a natural side effect of the dis-ease of society? Should we treat this problem with medication that numbs your heart and puts your mind to sleep, or should we be eliminating it's cause. Like with cancer, you can treat the symptoms but the tumor still remains. Are we sacrificing our humanity just for the sake of comfort, because we are unwilling to risk a change, or reluctant to put forth the effort? Or are we too proud to admit the problem. If you are depressed try to understand why, If you want to kill yourself find something to live for, if you want to kill other people...seek professional help.

Depression is probably the most selfish of human emotions, and with the way society treats it, I shouldn't wonder. But it is still a human emotion, you may as well try to supress joy or anger for all the good it does you. It is something that must run it's course, that is not to say that you should just sit back and wallow in it, anger is an emotion that has to run it's course but we do things to help ourselves understand it and eventually rid ourselves of it. In order for depression to run it's course we must do the same, understand the emotion and it's origins and come to terms with it. Sure, it's easier to take a pill, and I may feel like shit for a little while, or even a long time. But at least what I'm feeling is real, at least I know I'm alive, and I wouldn't give that up for anything.

I am no longer depressed. For awhile I maintained that I never was but I was just lying to myself, I've been through some pretty fucked up shit, but now I've come to terms with it all. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't experienced all of the things I have, and to be honest, I'm okay with the person I am, I know I could be better but I had to let go of some things before I could grow, I still do. It's a long and hard process, becoming a decent human being, but one I'm willing to devote my life to.

and another one

2005-06-24T00:41:00.000-10:00

Nothing is sacred
Everything is real
Nothing real can be threatened

If your happiness is so easily threatened by reality, how can you be sure it is real? I think the key to being truly happy is to accept reality, accept that everything else is an illusion because it can be threatened. Nothing is sacred, because holding something sacred is only distancing yourself from it. Essentially, everything becomes more sacred that ever before. When you stop drawing lines you allow yourself to become closer to life, closer to your own emotions.

To hold something sacred is to hold it above everything else, above even yourself. You are not truly experiencing it, not truly close to it. One must accept everything for what it is, acknowledge it's base in human nature and respect it, not revere it. To love something, truly love something, you accept it for all it is and isn't, and you bring it closer to youthan anything you have ever believed in or held sacred.

Everything that you value, believe in, everything that you place above reason or human nature can be threatened. You have attached a sentimental illusion to it, and illusions are often so easily shattered. Once you accept the reality of a thing, love it, it cannot be threatened by reality because you see it realistically, and in reverse, it cannot threaten you. This is similar to one overcoming ones fear, once a person has accepted their fear they are no longer threatened by it. I think this is because when you fear a thing you attach an illusion to it, perhaps not sentimental, but surreal all the same.

06.10.05

2005-06-23T13:08:00.000-10:00

I am struggling to differentiate between what is worth saying and what just comes to mind. Do I want a reputation for being wise or entertaining and quick witted. I have found that it is difficult to be known as both, people tend to take offense at my honesty and not take what I say seriously. When you are know for being glib people take your words with a grain of salt, as it were. Also I've noticed that people think I'm incapable of that level of thought or understanding. I try to tell myself it's better to be underestimated but I do get tired of people etting the wrong impression of me. I have alot of secrets, secret desires, but I truly want people to know me, how can I expect to grow when even my own opinion of myself is wrapped up in what other people think of me. I truly wish it didn't matter to me. I don't know how anyone could love me if no one really knows who I am, and that's all I want, to be loved. Sure people like me, to be completely honest, and not to sound concieted, people are drawn to me, and I like that, but I'm still afraid to show them who I am.

a message from the anti anti-piracy pirate

2005-06-14T23:28:00.000-10:00

I would like to extend my deepest thanks to all of those dedicated pirates out there on the internet for my excellent copy of the foo fighters' new cd.

Mo faffles, anyone?

2005-06-14T00:37:00.000-10:00

Suddenly there stood in the doorway a man of enormous stature and very poor taste in clothing. His mass of coal black hair was kept from tumbling into his face by a bright red ribbon tied in a smart little bow, his mask seemed too small for his round face and from the way he moved you could tell he had some difficulty seeing, probably due to the impossibly large peacock feather atop his head that kept falling in front of his eyes. He wore a high collared tunic of forest green with a burnt orange trim, the cape that billowed out behind his noble bulk was of no particular color, instead it seemed to be made of a strange irradescent material that caused physical illness if one looked at it for too long. His dark purple tights were uncomfortable even to look at and his large feet were dwarfed in rubber boots so large that your mind refuses to accept their existance, it was a wonder that he could even walk.
"I am the great Mo Faffles," he said, in a strangely urbane voice.

I regress

2005-06-14T00:18:00.000-10:00

I wish I could remember all of what happened in the psych ward, it was actually pretty fun, if ten days in a mental institute can be described as fun, I know that I wish I had stayed longer, but when I look back on it I suppose it's better that I hadn't. Really, I just wish I could describe it all as it was happening, I wish I could put into words what I was thinking, how I was feeling at the time, how we were all feeling. I don't think that my polluted memory could do justice to the people I met there, or illustrate the connection I felt to all of them. I don't think anyone would laugh at the hilarious moments we shared, either I'm not that good a writer or my memories aren't clear enough, I've never been good at telling funny stories anyway. Whenever I hear Iris from the goo goo dolls I think of that morning we all sang it while we were sitting at the breakfast table, the words took on a new meaning that day. I'll never look at rice crispies the same way again and I'll always have an affinity for lasagna, and I have an interesting anecdote when someone asks me where I learned to make paper cranes, or why I always keep my pinky nail on my righ hand short. If it is frustrating to read about how I wish I could write about all theses things it is ten times worse to not be able to. I will try, one day when I can sort it all out in my head. I think I need hypnotic regression or something.

The Jessica

2005-06-14T00:16:00.000-10:00

"Just remember, you go as a representative of The Jessica."

"You call yourself 'The Jessica'?"

"Only when it's completely inappropriate."

Nosce te ipsum...

2005-06-14T00:12:00.000-10:00

anniversaries and adversaries

When I first started this blog I had no idea that it would become such a big part of my life, I have no idea how many people are actually reading this on a regular basis, not very many I'll wager, but I've found that I actually look forward to posting any interesting thoughts or ideas I have during the day, like someone who can't wait to tell some funny incident to a friend or loved one. When I started I didn't think I had anything to say, I didn't think I could write about politics and, well, my life didn't seem that interesting (it still doesn't). My views....I didn't even know what they were at the time, but through the proccess of writing this blog I've discovered my own beliefs, what I am passionate about, my virtues and a great many of my faults.

I've been more honest with complete strangers on the internet than I have with my own family, sometimes even with myself. Indeed, if anyone were to take the time to read this they would know more about me in a few minutes than people who have known me my entire life. I think it is part of human nature to want to be known, I've always been underestimated, and for the most part I don't mind, but sometimes I get tired of people getting the wrong idea about me. Human beings need to feel connected to something or someone else, we are not built to live completely alone, although more often that not we must. I have learned my greatest fear is...being alone, I am so alone that I can't stand the company of others because it only worsens that pain. I fear I will never find anyone who understands me.

I do not post all of my secrets on this blog, some things are better left unsaid, as the saying goes. I wish, at times, that I could forget all of my secrets, if only to rid myself of this need to tell them to someone. I want to become the person I am on the outside so I don't have to worry about people liking who I am on the inside. I am afraid to become a better person, afraid to grow, because I might lose those characteristics that define me, those same characteristics that I do not want people to define me with. I don't want to be know as the sarcastic one who never takes anything serious, always good for a laugh, nor would I like to be know as cruel and judgemental and closed-minded, but I like my sarcasm and my sense of humor, my judgement has never failed me yet and sometimes it is necessary to be cruel, that does not mean I enjoy it. Perhaps I am closed-minded about some things, and often my callous indifference may give way to righteous indignation, I'm never sure which is worse.

Can I retain all of these traits I value in myself and still grow as a person? My sense of humor puts off the people who know me as serious and my seriousness irritates those who expect me to make a joke of everything. I suppose there is no way to please everyone. I like that I am able to make people laugh, but I find that with certain people, especially those who expect it of me, being glib and superficial is tiring. My mind is neither one or the other, I am always thinking about these serious things but I am also always able to make a joke of things, perhaps my timing is off when it comes to the serious things. I do tend to get impatient with people for not accepting that side of me, when I have never really given them a chance to get used to it. We all place people into stereotypes, categorizing them, refusing to accept that they can be different than what they have shown us, I do as well, perhaps that is why I believe I must be one way or another. In the end, it doesn't matter how other people define me, for they are usually only seeing one side of me, and everything in the universe is subject to interpretation, they are merely making an uneducated guess. I must be myself, whoever that might be, and hopefully someone will come along who knows me as well as I know myself.

Fate is a funny thing, often I have done things that I have regretted, only to see those acts redeemed in a way. I don't know if something good just comes of everything or if my actions were meant to be, lately I have been realizing how my actions fit into the bigger picture, how some innocent remark or uncharacteristic decision, like starting this blog, has had such dramatic results. In about four days I will have been doing this for six months and I wonder, would I even know myself if I hadn't started this blog?

today

2005-06-12T02:32:00.000-10:00

I guess that concludes the photo session of tonight's blog, I haven't had much time to scan my pictures, what with werk and all. I'm gonna be working ten days in a row this week, I don't really care, I'm getting paid. They don't pay for insurance here, which is fairly illegal, my mother is having a fit about it, because she doesn't want to pay for my insurance. I really don't care but she wants me to report them, I don't think it matters, the universe unfolds as it should, the owners certainly seem to be having a hard time of it. I'm giving back my McDonalds uniform, I will finally be closing that door for good, no matter how much they ask me back. I'm only holding myself back by holding on to those things, I need to move forward. I found my last biology textbook and I'm trying to focus but my mind has been so fragmented recently, I can barely even watch movies, I keep renting them and not watching them and then having to return them. I suppose it doesn't matter, I do work there. I've been buying a lot of movies as well, I don't exactly know what that accomplishes, I hardly ever watch them, I guess I could always say I'm learning my trade.

Life is pretty much happening without my help, I don't know how I feel about that but I have a sneaking suspision that it doesn't really matter either way.

We went to wal-mart tonight, my brother, his wife and son, and I. It was a fairly uneventful evening, but I always end up feeling lonely after spending time with them, or my other siblings for that matter. It's like I'm the fifth wheel, they all have families, I feel like I don't belong with anyone. I think I'd rather be alone than with any of them. I don't think I should feel that way and I'm not really sure why I do, I'm so tired of tagging along. Even with Rene'e, when it's just the two of us, I'd rather be alone, though I suspect that could be for other reasons. Perhaps I feel this way because I am not really comfortable with myself, so when I am with others who, although unwittingly, flaunt that which I sorely lack, I feel it more deeply. Because I feel as if I need someone, when all I need, and all I have, is myself.

2005-06-12T02:14:00.000-10:00

The last Senor Billy's card.

2005-06-12T02:11:00.000-10:00

"I'll teach you to sneak up on me like that!!!"

2005-06-12T02:10:00.000-10:00

blaaarrhhahahaha!!!!

2005-06-12T02:09:00.000-10:00

strawberry baby

2005-06-12T02:08:00.000-10:00

Disturbing Earl.

2005-06-12T02:06:00.000-10:00

oh, death.

2005-06-12T02:05:00.000-10:00

the munky gets his revenge...

2005-06-12T02:04:00.000-10:00

it takes a simple trap to ensnare a simple mind...

2005-06-12T02:01:00.000-10:00

grrrrrr, I eat him.

2005-06-12T02:00:00.001-10:00

ooohhhhh, I love him.

2005-06-12T02:00:00.000-10:00

well, this is a dog...in a sombrero, I should think that would be obvious...

photoblogging is fun!!!!

2005-06-12T01:54:00.001-10:00

I bought an all in one printer and an external hard drive last week and now I'm scanning all of my photos, this is soooo neat!!!
I've got a bunch of wierd pictures I've been dying to put on here, mostly me and my brother fucking around...

2005-06-12T01:54:00.000-10:00

Wifflestick Man, hunting the elusive wild hot pocket, gnashes his teeth, warning off any rivals.

2005-06-12T01:52:00.000-10:00

My brother's soybean.

2005-06-12T01:51:00.000-10:00

My buddy NTefourou.

another epiphany

2005-06-12T01:41:00.000-10:00

Acting is just a day job. Film is a passion, I love it, but at the end of the day, that is not how I want to be defined, as a celebrity. Service to humanity is the best work of life, filmmaking is a means to that end. Just as my job at the video store is a means to becoming a filmmaker. I must never forget that first, I want to help people, everything else I do must adhere to that credo. I must abandon these petty quirks for wisdom, adolescence has been sweet, but it is time to do what must be done.

I feel a twinge of regret as I look back on the person I have become. I don't hate myself enough to change, I will miss this person. The important thing is the person I will become, and that is infinitely better. My heart is my center, everything I do, every move I make comes from that. I will not steal, it will only bring me bad fortune. I must balance my passions with my duties. I must be silent, I must focus. I must strengthen my body as I strengthen my will. I must focus all of my energy towards becoming a filmmaker. I must focus all of my energy towards leaving this place.

fools wisdom

2005-06-12T01:40:00.000-10:00

Why do these petty quirks mean so much to me. Am I wise for knowing how to behave like an adult, no, anyone my age may know how to behave as an adult, what makes me wise is behaving like one. All of the impatience and the faults and the selfishness I know I would be better without, but why do I cling to them so? To hold on to that feeling of youth? It is not the ability to chose which makes us wise but the choices we make. So am I really as wise as I like to think I am? A wise person would focus, a wise person would learn when to be silent, a wise person would let go of petty rivalries and idle gossip. Shall I then give up my adolescent comforts for the wisdom of adulthood, am I capable of doing so, or am I just all mouth.

Sometimes I feel like I'm seventeen, I'm not quite sure how I feel about that, I never liked to feel like a child. What I don't like the most is that feeling of uncertainty, of unreasoning terror, everything that seemed so sure and possible now seems so far away. What I wonder is-- is the worrying more real, or at least more realistic, that my insufferable self-confidence. Am I truly that person, or am I just a frightened teenager, terrified of being alone and on my own for the first time. Not that I haven't been alone my whole life, and not that I doubt that I can take care of myself, but my feelings shift with each passing moment, do I know I can do this, or am I afraid I'll never survive? I believe I will, I've survived worse than apartment hunting, I think what makes me so afraid is that I don't know what to do, I've never looked for an apartment, I've never moved by my self, I've never had to worry about these things. I believe I can do it but I have no one to talk to to ease these fears, no one to offer advice, no one to guide me. I am lost, but my need is practical, not spiritual, for those matters I have always been able to look inside myself, these problems have no precedent. I need help and I have no idea where to look.

changes

2005-06-12T01:39:00.000-10:00

Constant change helps children develop and learn faster, perhaps that is why I am more able to cope than Rene'e, my entire life has been constant change, while hers has been spent largely in the same, secure place. A part of me envies that security, but not a very big part. I always planned to travel when I had children, taking them with me wherever I went, I believe that they should experience as much of the world as they can. But I never want them to feel as I did, as if they have no home Is it possible to have both--change and security? I will teach my children to be vagabonds, wherever they are they are home. I will show them that you can carry your home inside of you, you don't need walls or a roof to house your spirit.

feelings

2005-06-12T01:38:00.000-10:00

We sat there and talked for an hour or more about nothing, or everything, sex, drinking, kids, quitting smoking. It was so easy to be open with him, and we laughed so much. I've never felt sexy before with him, or with anyone for that matter, but this time it was different. Maybe it was the honesty or the shared laughter, or the fact that he wanted me, I felt something, I don't know if it was pleasure but it could have been close. I've never felt wanted before, I've never really wanted anyone. It wasn't serious sex, it wasn't even hot sex, it was kind of a funny, friendly sex, between two people with a mutual attraction. I was never attracted to him before, I guess it's because of what we're doing, I feel I can be honest with him. I mean, we're having sex, we should be able to be open with each other. I think I can trust him of all people. Well, I should go to sleep now, I do have to work tomorrow.

Faith and Abandonment

2005-06-05T18:05:00.000-10:00

Part of me is relieved that Rene'e doesn't want to talk to me anymore, but I feel that somehow I'm giving up on her, which is exactly what she thinks I did. Help those who help themselves or help those who cannot? I can't convince her to listen to me and I certainly can't force her to. Maybe I'm wrong but I have a feeling that if she keeps going the way she is she'll be very unhappy for the rest of her life. I hope I'm wrong. I'll just have to back off I suppose, and let her know that I will always be there for her. I'm not asking her to believe in what I believe in, fuck I don't even know exactly what that is, but I know that she needs to believe in something. Even if only in herself, I just want to help her find her faith, whatever that might be.

something tangible

2005-05-31T22:21:00.000-10:00

"Oh my arm!"

"What's wrong with your arm?"

"Nothing, I just though I'd swear by something tangible for once."

theories

2005-05-31T22:19:00.000-10:00

What has been the long term result of not having a strong belief system while growing up?
For me, and for Rene'e as well I believe, it has been turmoil. I think the only difference is that I am more adaptable, I was more open to lookng for those answers, whereas Rene'e still hasn't realized that she is searching, much less what she is searching for. My father believes that it is best not to raise a child with any religious beliefs. I think that parents believe this because they don't understand what a child goes through when raised without beliefs, perhaps they went through their own religious crisis as an adolescent or adult, but they do not truly know what it feels like. I have been lost for my entire life, human beings need beliefs, the ability to believe in something is hard-wired into us, and without beliefs we feel cut off from the rest of humanity. Many times I've felt jealous of people who have faith, many times I've argued about the fallacies of their beliefs, but what do I gain by stripping another human being of their faith? I am no longer interested in proving whether or not god exists, or jesus, or any of that shit that the athiests and the agnostics are hung up on, such an existence would be meaningless and cruel. I am happy that these humans have found something to believe in, however disappointed I may be in what they do in the name of their beliefs. I think people take faith for granted, it is no longer a way to feel connected to the universe, but an excuse to do horrible things to other individuals. It has become a weapon of mass delusion, a tool the powerful use and manipulate in order to elevate themselves and implement their own plans, to convert individuals into mindless worshippers.
Individuality and hierarchy, the religious and the free spirits.
Athiests may think themselves to be free but in reality they are just the bitter and sadly neccessary oppsition to the religious, they are the blind man that says sight cannot exist, and the agnostics are merely afraid. I am not saying that they are wrong, nor am I saying that all athiests and agnostics are really like this, I'm just trying to illustrate how they are not truly individuals. I think the true hierarchy in this world is organized religion, it is the one thing that even governments bow to. I am not trying to turn religious leaders into evil menacing men who are trying to control the world and steal your soul, indeed I don't have to, there are so many opposing religions out there that, doubtless, someone else has already made that claim. I'm not trying to say it is all a tangled conspiracy, a silent battle for supremacy and conformity, although it wouldn't be difficult to see it in that light. I am trying to see it in the basest form of human nature, it is human nature to want supremacy, and also to want conformity, but it is also quite simple for humans to convince themselves that they are right, and with that knowledge, convince others of the same. Human beings are full of contradictory emotions, for example, humans strive to be individual and yet we are quick to conform, and so willing to believe. I am not only speaking of religion, humans will latch on to any idea that is advertised to be original and rebellious, non-conformity has become quite popular, they sell it in clothing stores and you see it on television and probably in your own neighborhood. But are these people truly indiviuals? For example, look at punk rock, you've probably been to the mall and seen hot topic or any of those other stores, even macy's is now carrying punk clothes. I wonder if the first punks wanted their way of expressing their individuality to become a national obsession among teenagers, did they even want their friends to start dressing like them? Or did some company see potential in this unconventional style and think it might catch on? Fashion magazines write about finding a style of your own and then suggest various celebrities you can copy in order to do so. People no longer dress to express themselves but in hope that someone might copy them so they can tell people that they were the first, they started that trend. Young people have become mannequins, trendy assholes. My brother and I have taken to calling people 'alpha male' whenever they do something stupid or assholeish, just to see if it would catch on. I would suggest doing this to anyone willing to dedicate themselves to trying, just make up a saying that sounds fairly cool, if you say it enough, chances are it will catch on. You might even want to tell people that you heard it from someone popular, just to see if it spreads faster. Before half of my freshman year was over I had most of the high school saying 'I swear to bob' and ' spank you', it was a small high school but it worked all the same.

Aegrecit Mendendo

2005-05-31T22:17:00.000-10:00

Rene'e told me today that she is now officially cured of her depression, she has regained normality. But what is normality anyway, by my definition Rene'e has always been normal, just another sheep. I am discovering, however, that the more time I spend with the 'normal' Rene'e the less I like her. I mean she annoyed me when she was all depressed an such but at least then it felt like there was some hope for her becoming a decent human being, now she is just as superficial as everyone else. Maybe I'm just jealous that she no longer needs me for anything, but I didn't ask for this, I care about her, I think I always will. I want to distance myself from her but...I just have so few friends...so little companionship, I get really lonely sometimes. Rene'e is the closest thing to a friend I have nearby. I miss Allison and Tawny, I know they have lives and I guess I envy them a little for that, mostly I just miss being around them, I always felt so comfortable with them. Rene'e was my friend because she needed me, now that she supposedly doesn't where does that leave me, feeling doubtful and used. It leaves me to find another person to take into my heart, Rene'e is just easy internet access and some light superficial entertainment, an inconstant muse and ever inriuging test subject, as she has always been.

Regression Part One

2005-05-26T23:42:00.000-10:00

I have a folder from eigth grade english, one that Mrs. Okamoto gave me, I keep it because my memory is so bad, so I won't forget that time when everything was so clear, when my future wasn't worrying me. I don't think it was because I knew what to do, but because I didn't care, that time that I lived in hilo was the safest and happiest times of my adolescence, I had good teachers and good friends and people I looked up to. I had a family, regardless of how uncomfortable or frustrating my home situation was there it was nothing compared to here, I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen to live in hilo after the hospital. I'm glad I didn't, I never would have discovered filmmaking and I never would have met Glen. Everyone thinks I fooled Glen, but I never lied to him, I lied to everyone else but I just didn't feel like I needed to lie to him. I lie to everyone who has contact with my family, I'm amazed that their opinions have so much influence over me, I remember saying once that I care what people think but not enough to change myself. I guess my hypocrisy is showing.

I keep so many things from the past, each with a little good memory attached to them. I need these little things to help me remember the good times, though I've never had any trouble remembering the bad. I can't remember what day it was that I went to the hospital, I can't remember whether or not it was sunny, I remember it felt warm and I remember Mrs. Okamoto hugging me. Apparantly I scored high on the suicide test, and I was actually being honest when I answered, although it took a little lying to get the guy to come and test me. He asked me whether or not I wanted to go now or after school was over, in retrospect I should have waited until school was over, it would have saved my friends alot of worry. I remember the ride to the hospital and the twelve hours I sat in the emergency room vaugely, the most I remember from that time was the uncomfortable feeling, maybe from the presence of my father, maybe the double breezer gowns, or maybe because they refused to shut the doors. Strangely, the plane ride is what sticks out most in my head, it was one of those little emergeny planes, the engine was so loud I couldn't hear myself humming, Steely Dan's Deacon Blues. The ambulance ride was uneventful and when we got to the hospital I didn't want them pushing me on that ridiculous stretcher, so wearing my camoflauge pants and double hospital gowns I walked the corridors with my head held high, flaunting my false dignity. Thankfully, it was one in the morning so the halls were fairly empty. Inside the locked psychiatric ward I was submitted to a search, which relieved me of whatever dignity I thought I had left, and to add insult to injury I had to give some wierd nurse my bra in order for her totake the underwire out of it. To this day I haven't any idea how someone could hurt themself with an underwire but I guess they didn't believe I wasn't that desparate. While she was destoying my poor innocent bra I was interviewed, during the course of which I learned what a pap smear was, it sounded horrible, all the while my arms were folded tightly over my chest. Perhaps I'm just not a free spirit but I've never been comfortable without a bra. I was given scrubs, at least they went with my pants, and shown into a room where a strange girl was sleeping. They left me lying on an unfamilar bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering what the fuck I was doing there. I didn't cry.

green monster

2005-05-26T23:39:00.000-10:00

I guess I'm jealous of Rene'e, I mean, her parents give her anything she wants. I don't know why that matters though, she isn't any better a person nor any happier for it, I guess I'm just jealous of the fact that her parents seem to genuinely care about her, or at least she feels like they do. I wish I could convince myself that my parents gave a fuck about me but I'm not that naive, not that I don't think her parents care about her, perhaps I'm just biased. Also, she always seems to be in love, I've never been in love and frankly I'm beginning to wonder if I'm capable of it. I suppose it could be because I'm not really looking for love, at least not actively, I'm sort of waiting for it to happen. I don't really think there is anyone on this island that I could actually be in love with, the people I can actually relate to are either "too old" or they're women.

So apparently Rene'e isn't talking to me anymore, now that it's finally come to it, I can't help but feel relieved. I know she's backsliding, she isn't exactly unpredictable, but I don't want to give up on her. I'm not going to become what she thinks I am, the friend who doesn't care if she's hurt or not, I will always care.

sometimes I forget my middle name

2005-05-20T23:57:00.000-10:00

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - I think that I think therefore I think that I am

when I think back on my life so far, I'm just grateful that I had at least one good therapist.

When I was younger...it sounds so strange to say that...when I was younger, I'm only 17, I wonder if I'll be saying that about today, "when I was younger", knowing me I'll be saying that when I'm twenty. I don't like to tell people how old I am, after I tell them that any chance of having a decent adult relationship goes out the window, even a platonic one. And for men I'm just jailbait, maybe that's why I don't have any boyfriends....then again maybe not...I haven't got issues - I've got whole volumes, as I am so fond of saying. There are so few people I'm actually comfortable with, I don't think trust is an issue, just comfort. I've spent a great deal of my life being uncomfortable, and I'd like to go someplace where that isn't necessary, but I'm beginning to suspect that such a place doesn't exist. It seems as if I'm only comfortable with a certain kind of person, genuinely wierd, and it would be foolish of me to expect the rest of humanity to be that way. I know only six genuinely weird people: Allison, Tawny, Glen, Jacob, Krissy, and Amy, a recent addition to my individuals list. I'm almost sure I can add Krissy's mom to that list but I never really got to know her that well, there are a few other possibilies as well as her but I can't think of them right now, maybe Rene'e therapist.

Braccae tuae aperiuntur - Your fly is open

Nosce te Ipsum - Know Thyself

Ita est - thus it is

Diem perdidi - I have lost the day

Ira furor brevis est - anger is a brief madness

Id imperfectum manet dum confectum erit - it ain't over til it's over

Quid novi - what's new

Qui habet aures audiendi audiat - he who has ears, let him understand how to listen

Quot capita, tot sensus - there are as many opinions as there are heads

Ubi solitudinem faciunt, pacem appellant - where they create desolation, they call it peace

illusions

2005-05-18T01:11:00.000-10:00

A life spent on freeways never realizing, or never acknowledging, how much he spent until his end was as inevitable as the day and the night. He tried to outrun life but only succeeded in aluding it for awhile, and when he realized that he had spent his life trying not to live for fear of dying he saw that he had lived and life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.

I've spent my life dreaming of what the future will hold, but I've realized that when you are dreaming of the future it seems that it never comes, it is life's way of telling you to live in the present. The past and the future is what makes up the now, people are ever influenced by the things that have come before, and ever in anticipation of the things that have not yet come to pass. Neitzsche said that human beings are ruled by our future, my father says that we are all governed by past experiences and that we are incapable of experiencing the present. I don't think there is anything inbetween, when you finally strip away the past and the future from the present what is left but pure and frightening emotions. Human beings are incapable of living completely in the the present because then we would be living without memory, without knowledge. Experiencing the present is something that can bring a person wisdom and at the same time steal it away. It would be like forgetting who you are and everything you've ever learned. But if that happened all of the boundaries human beings have created for themselves, all of the rules, the chains we've shackled ourselves with would melt away and we would be left capable of doing anything we could possibly imagine. The risk of living that way is very great, too great to imagine, if you let the boundaries fall between you and the rest of the universe you would inevitably be consumed, redistributed, you would become energy, ever changing. There must be another way to cross those boundaries, it probably involes a great understanding of the nature of the universe, rather than becoming a part of it. I think that is what happens when you die, when you finally break the cycle of birth and death and rebirth. At least, that's what I believe. We become gods, enlightened beings that have sacrificed their individuality to be part of everything. That is what I hope will happen to me some day, perhaps we are reborn to learn certain lessons, perhaps it is because of karma, but it could also be because we don't want to give ourselves up yet, we aren't ready to lose these strange personality traits and the uniqueness, the comfort of being alone.

things I've said and things I've heard

2005-05-18T01:07:00.000-10:00

I do not worship anything. I idolize and obsess, and I am prone to infatuation, but I do not worship.

I am aware that there are beings in this universe wiser and more powerful than me, in fact I know many personally, but I do not worship them.

I don't think we should be asking god or jesus to forgive us our sins, I think we should be asking if we would forgive ourselves.

Those who talk don't know and those who know don't talk.

I think I like forums better than chat rooms I mean they both have their own appeal but.... well, forums give you more time to articuate. but I like the fast pace of chat rooms the envioronment is more condusive it's like the pace in chat rooms just breeds creativity and you don't have enough time to wonder what the response will be. you get the best ideas when there are people around you can sort of bounce them off of and then when they do respond, it's like looking at something from a whole different perspective it's something like an orgy of minds, all of that energy directed towards a unified goal, and you end up creating something.... something that takes on an existence of it's own.

I wonder if the trees like to be so close together, if it's like a community, or if they are just fighting for the light. they certainly seem happier in the orderly rows of an orchard. I'm not sure how I know that.

I do not believe in god in the way the christians do, I acknowledge the fact that there are beings in this universe more powerful than I. But saying that, I would have to explain my definition of power and the nature of the universe.

A legacy is built by great deeds and great deeds are done by great people, but people do not know they are great until they are told so. I am telling you now, you are a great person, now do some great deeds.

the de-evolution of language

2005-05-18T01:04:00.000-10:00

incoherent thoughts and feelings
written in metered poems
without punctuation
voices, individual, separated from souls
unable to express their anger
by invalid synonyms

trivial problems that seem so important
to inconstant hearts and minds
writing fleshed out words
that hold meaning to no one else
but still frustrate the incompetent
inept at the interpretation of human minds

and hours of written word
spoken by volumes
when no one says what they feel
because there are no longer the words
or the facility with which to mold them

Jesus Theory

2005-05-17T20:55:00.000-10:00

For awhile I've been trying to figure out what it is I value, but I realize now what I really want to know is this: what do I believe in? I'm not going to try and decide whether or not I believe in god, I think I want to believe in god, the way christians do, but my image of god is very different from theirs. Sometimes I wish I could have christ as my savior but something inside of me just can't accept something like that, nonetheless I wish I could believe in something that profound. Perhaps I'm lost and I'm wrong and I need someone to save me, alot of the time I wish someone would, but I believe too much in the human spirit, I believe we can save ourselves. I think that might have been what jesus wanted to teach us, compassion, I don't think he wanted people to worship him and wait for him to save them, he wanted them to follow his example of love and self-sacrifice, he wanted to show them the good that was in each of us and teach us to live by that good, by that love. We aren't supposed to wait around for jesus to come and save us, we are supposed to live as he did, with a love as limitless as his.
Have I just had an epiphany? That's funny, I don't feel like I have, I feel like I've known this all my life but have never been able to put it into words. I don't think I have any way of knowing if this is even an original thought, but I guess since I haven't heard anyone else talk about it I'll assume it is, for now at least, there are still many things I have yet to learn.

pretty uncomplicated

2005-05-11T00:31:00.000-10:00

My relationship with my mother is like that of two people who have lived in the same neighborhood and known each other all their lives but never really talked about anything meaningful, never really tried to undestand one another. Although I do understand a great deal more about her than she does me.
What she doesn't seem to realize, or at least she doesn't care to acknowledge is that she has pretty much lived her entire life dependant upon her parents. She married right out of high school and worked in her father's business as a real estate appraiser, she supported her family, I'll give her that, but she never really tried to do anything on her own. She dropped out in her first semester in college because she got pregnant, she told me once that after high school she wanted to live on her own a few years before she was married, but even if she hadn't married my father that probably wouldn't have happened, there was always Dan, now my stepfather, I wonder what would have happened had she married him instead but I guess it doesn't matter now. She and my father owned their own business for awhile but there is no need to guess who she ran to when she needed anything, then after she left my father it was back to appraising and later the restaurant. Both jobs she was unhappy with and complained about constantly but never would she consider doing something else, even when her father gave the business to his sister, only nine years my mothers senior, who she hated working with, she wouldn't leave. My mother is a good appraiser and any other company would be happy to have her but no, she was afraid her aunt would never speak to her again, although she was probably more afraid of having to be on her own.
All my life she has told me that I will never be able to live in the "real world" but I wonder how she can make that judgement, considering that she has never expeienced the real world for herself. Complaining is her favorite past-time, she complains about her work though she will never quit, her children, her husband that she will never leave, her parents whose house she is living in. I don't know how many times I've told her to just leave, we can make it on our own. I've even offered to help her with rent and food and such, a fact which she conveniently forgets every time the subject comes up, it's so much easier to be a martyr. Perhaps her sheltered life is the reason why she is never supportive of me, she truly doesn't understand how terrified I am and I don't think there is any way to make her see. She just expects me to come back, like my brothers did, like she did and my father did. I will never be able to convince her that for me there is no going back, just like it was for my grandparents, they worked all their lives, for them going back was never an option, and what was it all for, so they could support their children and grandchildren in their old age? My mother has taught me how to take care of myself by showing me what I might become if I ever believe for one moment that I could come back, her selfishness and childish cruelty has saved me from wasting my life and ending up like her. She doesn't understand that I need her, I need to save money and I need her support. I am not obligated by any law to pay her anything, her selfish attempts to teach me responsibility are crippling me, they are preventing me from ever having the means to become independent.
I don't think my mother ever had any dreams or ambitions for me, or if she did she never shared any of them with me. It's like she has no hope for me, no care regarding my feelings or career or happiness. She never expressed any enthusiasm about my decisions for my future, the only thing she expects from me is failure. Children strive for the approval of their parents, we want more than anything for them to be proud of us. I wake up each morning and go to sleep each night feeling like my mother doesn't love me.

Whatever Happened to Happiness?

2005-04-27T23:18:00.000-10:00

from prozactruth.com

This is a question which has been asked with some desperation over the last fifty years, with good reason. As one looks about the society, one sees fewer and fewer instances of people genuinely happy about their lives. Far more frequently, one finds the miserable office-worker who finds his job a drudge, his home life tedious and his overall life pointless.
In today's society, a life all-too-often goes this way: A child grows up with parents who argue frequently, fall out of love, often cheat on each other, and frequently divorce before the child is grown. Parents also drink, often to excess, and often take drugs as well, either legally or "recreationally."
While all this is going on at home, it's certainly no better for the child at school. Due to the badly-decayed state of education, the child is not learning, despite his or her education being heavily enforced and oftentimes legally drugged. And it becomes quickly obvious that there is nowhere he or she can turn to for help, as the teachers, many desperate to help their failing students, are yet operating in a faulty system and can find no solutions themselves . The teachers send the child to a school psychologist whom, the child quickly learns, has even fewer answers except prescribed drugs for learning "disorders".
Children and their peers often turn to illegal drugs to escape the misery that their lives have soon become. Thanks to portrayals of drug users and drug dealers as heroes in films and television, music that continually extols the virtues of drugs, and peer pressure as well, this is an all-too-easy route to take. And why not? Life seems pretty meaningless, anyway. Then, some die before they're grown. Some become hopelessly addicted and turn to criminality or prostitution to support their habits. Yet others manage to cope, and a lucky few manage to stay away from drugs altogether.
As a child hits puberty, he or she is overwhelmed by wildly new emotions and sensations. They are told by psychologists that these emotions are totally natural, and engaging in them is even more natural. They are surrounded by a media practically screaming at them to be promiscuous, in magazines, music, television and films. They have witnessed adults, perhaps even their own parents, with sloppy sexual values. Their peers (many times lying) are bragging of plentiful sexual conquests. The pressure to engage in sexual activity is overwhelming, and most give into it, even when, despite all posturing and boasting to the contrary, many of them are secretly quite frightened.
For other children the discovery of sex, disgustingly, will be at the hands of their own siblings and parents. This gives them further motivation to take drugs, engage in promiscuous sex (as they're already degraded, what does it matter), or completely withdraw from sex and never be able to take pleasure in it at all.
From this decaying platform, our child then launches into adulthood, confused, dismayed, and entering a world that seems to have little hope and seems to be gathering its last dying breath.
Overall, on a planet-wide scale, the above daily occurrences result in rising criminality, the spread of disease, mental illness, political unrest, war, and the host of other problems currently plaguing humanity. And last but certainly not least, they result in the farthest thing from happiness possible.

What happened?

For those of us a generation ahead of the current one, we can remember many of our parents and grandparents talking about "how it used to be." Marriages lasted longer. Families stayed together. Drug use was by a few desperate souls who you only heard about, never saw, and many people never even heard about it. Criminality, although present, was certainly not frequent. Sexual perversion was infrequent enough that, when it reared its ugly head, it was truly a shock.
Also, if you were ever able to talk to someone who was genuinely from "the good old days", you would find out something very interesting: Happiness was actually a known commodity sixty or so years back. Somewhere along the line, it all seemed to disappear.
As one examines the society, it can easily be seen, as easily as the lack of happiness, the lack of morality. The concepts of right and wrong seem to have all but disappeared and been painted a very interesting shade of gray (or, more appropriately, black). Could it be the two -- the lack of happiness and the lack of morality -- are connected?
Before we completely answer that question, let's see if we can find out what happened to morality.
First, you must realize (or hypothesize with us, if you will) that nothing ever happens by itself. Someone causes everything that happens. Given that, someone must have seen to the disappearance of morals. Could this be?
The first appearance of the vilification of morals is in 1867 with the publication of Das Kapital, by Karl Marx, the source of modern Communism. In this work, Marx bitterly railed against morality, claiming that morality was false and only existed to serve the classes that wielded it. His reasoning for this has been debated at length; Perhaps he was putting forth that man is natively immoral and therefore morals are simply an unnecessary addition to his "native state", or he may have been simply attempting to make it possible for Communist revolutionaries to proceed in an amoral fashion and therefore expediently. In any case, adherents to pure Communism were the first to claim that morals were evil and stood in the way of humanity's progress.
Communism did not really take hold in a broad way until the Russian Revolution of 1917. The first Communist nation did much to advance what was never labeled as a political ideology but what probably should have been: Psychiatry. There were a number of U.S. psychiatrists who studied in Russia after the formation of the Communist state and brought Russian psychiatry to the U.S., where it was then taught and spread.
Did psychiatry then carry Communist ideology into Democratic society? It sounds like a paranoid question. But the facts speak for themselves.
On October 29, 1945, a few months after the conclusion of World War II, an address was given in Washington, D.C. to a gathering of psychiatrists by G. Brock Chisholm, Canadian psychiatrist. Chisholm was a top leader in the field, who later went on to found the precursor to the World Health Organization and later presided over the World Federation for Mental Health. When he spoke, people in his field listened, to say the least. And in this case, it later became very evident that they were listening and listening well.
Chisholm's lecture began innocuously enough, lamenting the tragedy of war and pointing out that mankind could not seem to keep from having wars. That was true enough. He then went into a definition of "maturity", and claimed that most of humanity was not capable of such maturity. This definition was probably correct -- in part, it was "a quality of personality that is made up of a number of elements. It is stick-to-it-iveness, the ability to stick to a job, to work on it, and to struggle through until it is finished, or until one has given all one has in the endeavor."
But then Chisholm's speech took a shocking turn as he detailed what he considered to be at the root of humankind's warring nature and the sole block to its lack of "maturity." At this point, it is best to quote Dr. Chisholm directly:
"What basic psychological distortion can be found in every civilization of which we know anything? It must be a force which discourages the ability to see and acknowledge patent facts, which prevents the rational use of intelligence, which teaches or encourages the ability to dissociate and to believe contrary to and in spite of clear evidence, which produces inferiority, guilt and fear, which makes controlling other peoples' personal behavior emotionally necessary, which encourages prejudice and the inability to see, understand and sympathize with other peoples' points of view. Is there any force so potent and so persuasive that it can do all these things in all civilizations? There is -- just one. The only lowest common denominator of all civilizations and the only psychological force capable of producing these perversions is morality, the concept of right and wrong, the poison long ago described and warned against as 'the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of knowledge of good and evil.'"
He went on to expand on these concepts, but the above is sufficient enough to impart to the reader the brutality with which Chisholm was attacking morality and morals, the very thing which had held civilized man together for some five thousand years, had given him what happiness he had been able to find, and had kept his hope alive.
Were Chisholm's concepts taken to heart and followed? History provides the answer.
The new decade of the fifties brought psychiatry to an all-time high. Psychoanalysis became a fad amongst the affluent and amongst prominent artists, a number of which were even institutionalized. It began reaching all levels of society. It was promoted, even jocularly, through all forms of media.
What happened then? Morality began to falter. Drug use began to rise. The American films Rebel Without a Cause and The Blackboard Jungle, both released midway through the decade, show the abject confusion and resulting delinquency and alcoholism becoming prevalent in society, due largely to the moral questions being asked by youth -- and not answered.
Then came the sixties. In 1964, a new drug called Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, better known as LSD, began leaking into youth culture. The drug had been developed as a mind-control tool by psychiatry, and there is evidence it was psychiatry itself who pushed it broadly out into the world. For example, one of LSD's most vocal and public proponents, Dr. Timothy Leary, was a Harvard-trained psychiatrist. Another psychiatrist, Dr. Louis Jolyon "Jolly" West, who had been heavily involved with CIA mind-control drug experiments, was, at the height of the "Hippie" movement in 1967, right at the core of it at Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco experimenting on the local populous with LSD and even more insidious drugs.
It can certainly be said that the spread of heavy drug-use, especially LSD, helped give morality the final push over the cliff it experienced by the close of the sixties.
From that point, morality never recovered. The seventies brought the Disco Era with whole new classes of wide-spread drug use and promiscuity and one-night stands being the order of the day. This continued into the eighties. The late eighties and early nineties brought on "raves", taking sexuality and drug use to even greater heights. And it has all continued to get worse, not better.
Yes, the evidence is overwhelmingly obvious that the decline in morality is directly linked to the decline in happiness.

*meth_angel*