oh my god, it's thursday

after all is said and done............................you wanna mess around?

scapegoat

I have been stripped of all mementos of my childhood, incomplete as it was, I feel as if I have lost something. Maybe I've lost my memories. So, the question, how can I miss something I can't remember? I had many things, things I had kept for my future home. Things I had put in my old home that isn't home anymore. I got kicked out of my house in march and I've never felt more at home. I moved out of the house in hilo after mike left in december and moved to hawaiian acres with the creepy ipo who threatened to shoot me a couple of times and stole mike's surfboard and fishing poles. among other things. Well, my mom guys moved me out of there and I was going to go live with her again when my friend dawn found me a room with this woman down the road from where I was. She turned out to be a judgemental person with standards I could not meet so she kicked me out (funny story, I won't go into that now though). But if she hadn't I wouldn't have met david or had any of the wonderful and blessed experiences I've been fortunate enough to have lately. Even staying here at my moms for the past few weeks, where I fill my usual role a family scapegoat, I still feel the blessing. This place is getting old though, visiting my family always helps remind me of what I don't want to become, and why I'll never live with my mother. I mean, I enjoy being told I'm lazy and stupid and I'll never get anywhere and I'll never see my son again as much as the next person but really, I don't need to take this. Yes, I truly would rather be homeless, and that must twinge a bit.

mike comes back on saturday and he'll be taking kilian and his truck. god, I'll miss that truck. Nah, just kidding, I'll miss my baby. I'm dreading seeing mike, just looking back over my blog and seeing pictures of him has made me cry. I'm still grieving the family that we had started, the life we tried to make. I can't help but wonder (constantly) if he grieves as much as I do for our family. It was the only family that I felt a part of, I've always been so disconnected from my own. Even mike saw how they treated me, though that never stopped him from using them against me. I don't know what difference it makes, regretting the loss, did I really want to be with someone who would use my own family against me? a person who would tell anyone my secrets in order to curry favor for himself. I know he never made me look bad, for all that he said, he only showed himself to be untrustworthy. But that doesn't make the pain any less. I mean, I really don't mind people knowing these things about me but I'd rather be the one to tell them myself. And some people just have no right to know some things about me. I'm just waiting for that sharp stab in the stomach when I see him with Kilian. It's not possible to see your child in his father's arms without feeling something. I will feel pain. it will replace the love and hope that I used to feel at the sight. and what can I do? he really hasn't changed, at least the last time I talked to him his attitude was the same, as if I were some monster. I am the monster.
I just wish (and yes, I know this is a stupid and futile wish) that we had had one more day together, everything ended so badly. I wish I had a better memory, I wish I had made love to him one last time, fallen asleep holding him, woken up next to him. I find it harder and harder to sleep. I can't sleep at all when I think of him, even the good memories. I truly wish I never had to see him again but that's not possible. I know when I see him I will miss him even more, it's easier with him in texas, now I will know that he is here, yes, just not here for me. Is it just that I miss having a boyfriend? I don't know, it's still so painful, as much as I hate to admit that. It hurts to think of how we were happy. It hurts worse to think he wasn't happy.

0x6med3v9tafv

this is my page now
0x6med3v9tafv

No explanation necessary, I trust

the tip of the tongue

inspiration has waited so long for me.
coming back to the words I used
to define myself by.
I haven't looked at myself lately,
really looked.
I don't like what I've been.

I found my loss to be,
in truth, my gain.
I never would have felt that touch,
calm and confidence and restraint,
that loosed me from my sanity.

I think passion might have freed me,
at least to seek my soul,
or to hear that voice,
low and sweet and sarcastic.
To laugh and to find my own.