cockicidal maniac

"Don't listen to her, she's suicidal."

"I'm not suicidal!"

"So you weren't hospitalized in a mental institute for being suicidal?"

"Okay...I guess I was."

so....how was jail?

My lover was in jail. For three days. I guess they didn't have any room, he slept in the hallway between a black guy and a scary italian, both threatening to 'shank' each other. Since we are not dating make up sex is definitely out of the question and I was wondering if post prison sex would be anything special. Maybe this all depends on the guy but it really wasn't all that much better, I can say however that absence makes definetly the....well, you can think of your own sexual similie there. It's naughty mad libs.

prison break

Jason will be out on parole by the end of the year. I can't believe it's been over ten years since I've seen him. He's been in jail the last six years, only a fraction of his twenty year sentence, and all because of me.
I was awoken this morning by some woman leaving a message on the answering machine (it's in my room) telling me to call this number when I turn eighteen because they have a check for me. Immediately I went to my mother and she told me it was because Jason was being paroled. Up until not that long ago, I'm not sure how long because I haven't spoken about him in awhile, I haven't been able to talk about Jason without crying. Which I find strange now because he's not the first guy who's molested me. Perhaps it is because everything changed after that, all of the counselling, all of the fuss was after Jason molested me. With erin everyone sort of denies it, and he was a child at the time, though much older than my two years. Was it Jason that fucked me up or was it therapy? I suppose it was at that time that I learned the difference between appropriate and inappropriate attention, although that lesson has still to be incorporated into my daily thinking. That was when the guilt began. Sexual attention was all I had known since I was two years old, and still is, though perhaps not all. I don't know how to feel with the knowledge that he is in jail because of me, I wonder if his mother resents me in some way, no one seems to talk about it, but I mean to before I leave. I need to talk to Jason, if only to understand what really happened, I remember the last time I saw him, it was at the restaurant, I was probably only eight or so. My parent forced me to give him his order, well, not forced exactly, since I'm not sure if they were even aware of how uncomfortable I was. I'm not sure if I hid it very well or if no one noticed. I think I could be able to talk to him, of course talking about him and actually sitting face to face with the man that changed my world so drastically are two comepletely different animals. I want to tell him that I don't resent him, I thought I did, all those years, but now I realize I was only pinning all of my pain on that time in my life. It was easier, it was what everyone expected. Although that might have been a major turning point in my life, surely I have been more damaged, whether by my 'kidnapping' or by 'leon' (my fuck-buddy for the last two years), and certainly my father, those issues with him still torment me to this day. At least with the kidnapping and the sex I have found a way to cope, that has nothing to do with blood-letting. And I no longer cry when I think about Jason, perhaps we can have the kind of relationship erin and I have, although I don't believe we will, he was an adult at the time and he harbors more guilt, and he's bound to be more guarded. I also want to tell him that I know, I know I tried to be around him all the time, I knew he would give me attention, and I wanted that. I want to explain to him why I did that, if only to be able to tell someone in my family. Maybe I won't feel so disconnected. I don't even know if he'll be able to talk to me, I wonder if he thinks I hate him and I don't know how I can let him know that I don't. I suppose the ties of blood are really that powerful, after all my family has put me through, I still love them all, I don't know if I would extent the same to people not related to me. Maybe I'll email Glen and ask him what he thinks.

paper

this is what it's supposed to look like

ink

Ok, it's freehand and more than a little crooked but it's temporary. I think I'll get some henna and do it with that, I need to put lines first though. And I did the eyes wrong

hibiscus

I've been trying to get a picture of the flower near the place I work, I need a good digital camera, this is just the most amazing flower I have ever seen. It's this creamy white with a tinge of yellow and pink hibiscus, the petals look like clouds. This one is gorgeous but it just doesn't compare. I think my favorite flowers are orchids, plumerias, and of course, the hibiscus.

iceland two

And another, I have to go to iceland someday.

iceland one

a picture of iceland that I stole from the beowulf & grendel movie site.

the rabbits

I think there are rabbits in there somewhere, my grandpa sent this to me from Arizona.

the cheshire cat 

it's delicate

'delicate' by Damien Rice, I really love this song and I'm learning how to play it on my guitar.

paraglider too

Another of him actually off the ground, I need to get a better digital camera, it's really amazing to watch.

paraglider

a not-so-good photo of the paragliders jumping off my front yard.

the cave

I have no idea what this is, it was in the file renee gave me along with her book, pretty though...

photoblogging is grand!!!!

I just installed hello and picasa, I can't believe I waited this long after reinstalling windows, now I've got a bunch of pictures to post so, here goes.

lovers

I just realized last night when he came over that we've been fucking for over two years now, it's kind of sad that this is probably the most commited relationship I've ever had and probably will have for a long time. It's not even a relationship, such a thing would be unthinkable, I suppose we have only been consistent in our casual sexual encounters. We talked again, we never get to because there's usually people around after (and during) our little encounters and he clams up, so as not to let on that we are any more involved that people in our situation should be. We actually talked about what we're doing and how unbearable the thought of anyone else finding out is to both of us. I admitted to him that for I while I was beating myself up about it, I felt so guilty and dirty, I wanted more than anything to stop. But I love it, I do get pleasure out of it, although it's hard to get off when he keeps telling me to be quiet. I understand why he's so paranoid but really, most of it is needless, the idea of us fucking is the farthest thing from anyone's mind, he just has to learn how to allow others to believe what they want to believe. I told him that Amy knows and that when I told her she said she kind of suspected we were together, it worried him, if she suspected who else has. I assured him that Amy just knows me better than anyone else here, she picks up on those little changes of emotion that everyone else is just to preoccupied to notice. It's strange to think that I was fifteen when we first started having sex, he has watched me change from an innocent girl to a young woman, and the thing that throws me is, he realizes this. I've never really thought of him as being especially sensitive, or even very intelligent, he's funny yes, and smart, but not exactly intuitive. I guess I was wrong. I am suprised at how easy I find it to talk to him, I suppose he knows me physically better than anyone else, why shouldn't he know me emotionally or mentally just as well. A part of me regrets that there is absolutely no future for this, whatever it is we're doing, but not a very large part. The sex is good, it's very weird sex, not kinky weird but weird in a casual way, there's alot of laughing and shushing and whispering, and some dirty talk, although I feel kind of stupid talking dirty. I think a part of it is the envioronment, maybe that's why I've never cum, our sex is very impromptu, usually a quickie during the day, even when it is at night and he comes over we must always be quiet because there's people around. I'm always so inhibited, it's hard to let myself experience everything, to let myself feel, I have to be able to relax. All in all it's a great ego boost, he told me that it helps him get off if he thinks of me when he masturbates and I'd be lying if I didn't say the same was true for me, he has a way of making me feel sexy, when that has always seemed impossible. Now my shirt smells like him, which is not a bad thing really, what worries me is that I like it. I know I can never allow myself to fall for this person and yet I wish I could, if only for the sake of doing it, because I've never been in love.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.