After all is said and done.....

After all is said and done..................We'll all be dead so what do we care.


After all is said and done..................Kick some booty!

my apology

I love you, my Jewel
I just want you to know
and I'm not going to say I'm sorry
for saying the things I've said
I'm not going to say I'm sorry
for wanting you to be happy
maybe I was too harsh
but I didn't know what else to do
I said the things I said
out of my love for you
I wish I could have said it
in a different way
I wish it didn't have to end this way
I've heard that sometimes
bitter pills are required for a cure
I wish that wasn't true
but we both know that it is
and now all I ask
is that you think about what I meant
and forgive the way I say
what needed to be said

some things I like

shameless hate
covers a face
in an unknowing place
that she tries to embrace
but it only takes
while she tries to give
holding on just to try and live
inside a cruel world
that mixes and twirls
mixed feelings just swirl


delicious laughter
ended in suprise
a soft silky caress
and desire


I would warm my hands on the fire within
but the fire has all but faded
the flame no longer lights my way
and my eyes are tired and heavy
I would warm my heart in your embrace
and be held until the end
but life moves so that I cannot even catch my breath
the tides of time move us steadily further
as we struggle in vain
towards something we have already acheived
what is there now to believe in
how could I justify this insecurity of mine
I could say that I believe
could I never look back again
I live my life ever wary of the past
lest it catch up with me in the end
but time has left the past behind
and so, therefore, shall I


In the shadows of the early evening
things are not always what they seem.
The imagination is set free,
creating images only you can see,
and the mind can be made to believe
most anything.

The Science of Christmas

A scientific inquiry into christmas

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 speices of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Populatiom Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculation we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and ect. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison- this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meawhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Cristmas Eve, he's dead now.

I'm not like everyone else

anarchist poseurs
conform, conformist non-conformers
reading poetry with those thin glasses
to seprate yourself from the crowd
but you all look the same
hell, you even smell the same
like starbucks and punk rock
toothpaste and cigarettes
and all your music sounds the same
you still can't decide
who you want to be like
your friends are all chasing after
britney spears and the trend of the week
treny assholes, changing channels
changing shirts and changing handles
and god forbid you get caught
acting like a human being
helping others, being beaten
you take your pills every morning
go to work or school
or wherever it is your people go
and you say the things
that you are allowed to say
eat the things they allow you to eat
kiss the asses you are permitted to kiss
oh, what an honor
and every friday night you go out drinking
popping pills and window breaking
and laughing at the losers who can't be just like you
you know they want to
everyone wants to be like this
trapped in a feng shui cage
worshipping ipods and internet dating
you think you're an individual
so does everyone else
wearing the same clothes as you
hey, you all shop hot topic
you get your tounge peirced
because everyone else has
and you call yourself cool
because everyone else does

sometimes bitter pills are required for a cure.

a different love

a different love
won on passion of youth
stained now with wisdom

I've soared with youthful ease
from death's silky release
and great battles sought
to win the respect of the wind

where time, peace of mind
and wisdom's lost desire
driven by stone drums
to laugh at old pains
and fail for loss of will

I've found a life
lying on the very edge
of the soft and mournful words
written for our end
born in autumn's tears
in dim, harmonious phrase

Further down the river

floating down a river
dancing the ancient dances of fertility
you've leapt every mountain
every boundary between us
and here we lie,
face up on the floor
morning will find us
further down the river
drifting without errand
into the unknown
burning the ropes and
the wooden cages we kept the monkeys in
dancing the ancient dances of humility
and worshiping each other
as the sun sets on another day
the crickets play for us
and the fireflies light our way
the trees are barely visible behind the screens
and drops can be heard
on the roof of our vessel
as one of them shakes off it's burden of evening dew
we've set the oars free
to go where they will
and stay floating
further down the river
enjoying the company of the monkeys

Part Seven (revised)

peace,
a long stretch of highway
I've never traveled down before.
where everything is new, an adventure to behold.
going at irresponsible speeds
I am not afraid of the road or where it leads.
take me somewhere new
tarmac god
show me something beautiful
show me what is real
the rain makes soothing noises above me
as I move through the unyeilding night
gentle darkness
gentle rain
We are running away from where we've been.
around the next enticing corner awaits our destiny
and destiny will not wait much longer
it will move on, infringe itself upon another
do not let destiny slip away
arise
and smash headlong into the brick wall of life
caution is for mortals
we will become gods of ultimate sacrifice
and lose ourselves in the universe.

old friends

what happened to the circle of trees
that we called our own
to go there always together
I've kept my promise
and haven't been there since you left
how terribly strange to be so near
my heart goes there, though I cannot

I remember how it was
through thorn and spiderweb
our circle of trees
and the berries we would sit long hours and eat
we named the stars and spoke with the moon

I remember you with leaves in your hair
dancing frenzied circles
on the edge of the water
the stream is dry now, and overgrown
and the trees seem darker
the air so still
broken by the echoes of your laughter
cruel phantoms, mimicing your face
shades of happiness, long faded away

not alone

don't think I'm crazy if I leave the TV on
just to say you're there, watching some old movie
I'll tell myself you went out for a walk
tell myself you stepped out for some air
and you'll come back when it starts to get dark
don't blame me if I tell myself
you're just in the other room
just brushing your teeth
getting something to eat
don't mind me if I won't look
when you speak
and when my eyes are tightly shut
you will climb into bed next to me
I will feel you wrap your arms around me
I will hear you whisper goodnight to me
and when I can feel your breath on the back of my neck
feel your hand lying next to my breast
when I can feel your chest rise against my back
I will turn around slowly,
without waking
and I will open my eyes
and you will be there
and I will wake up alone again

the trees are bent and they seem to be reaching for something

I've used up the last pages of my notebook
but everything is so beautiful
I throw my blessings upon the road
let everyone come home safe tonight

the trees are running away
I wonder what they are afraid of

there used to be a river there. it dried up but that was still the most fertile land in the valley. so the trees took root there. and they huddled together against the wind.

from that high up we don't look so bad

the still face of a woman long gone
her cold features fixed in a fake smile
her hands fold over her chest
her mourners wail and cry
but she is happy now
happier than she has ever been

Is this what the clouds feel like
as thay watch us hurry about our lives

There are too many questions
questions without answers
questions that I should answer
If I could
I try to undestand
not to laugh
not to cry
to find the value of silence
there are so many mistakes
I've made
I have yet to make

A part of me is silent
it waits and observes
this part that is a poet
this part with all the courage
I am caged and human
It is immortal and free
withdrawn and compassionate
uncaring and unchanged
even on the worst of days
it stays
silent and cynical
comforting and accepting me

butterflies

butterflies, pretty lies
power is given to the people
then taken back
and trust has become a thing of the past
men leading other men on to meet destiny
sharing doom
and held up to the light
you can see through their lies
paper thin, like silk, rice paper
striding down these long, gray corridors
where truth is subjective
and art is no longer an affirmation of life
cold and commercial, we have become
sheep, wooly and accommodating
easy prey for the
non-conformist poseurs
perception has no meaning
what you pecieve cannot be real
robed men are force-feeding you
fear and hypocrisy
and they all look like butterflies,
pretty lies

4.18.04

mothers your children are dying
for a threat we cannot see
and a hate we cannot begin to comprehend
and all truth is lost through biast interpretations
and the young are robbed of the chance
to see the world through their own eyes
while society smothers the dreamers
and stifles their cries
all the people are looking for hope
and love
and in pursuit of their own self gratification
neglect the hungry and the dying
compassion and kindness are forgotten

a lover

he's an ass but in a good way
the kind you love to hate
you love your baby, don't you.

I got my cat
and you got your blues
scat, pretty baby
dance like you like to fuck

I'm holding myself
waiting for you
and I'm leaving soon
flying through the night
like a superhero
waiting for the fight
hold me down
I'll fly away

you move your lips
but I can't hear your words
does it matter
I can feel your voice
vibrating through my soul
it shakes me awake
and lulls me to sleep

you lead me like your very own
I'm your animal
my collar, your chain
kiss me and we'll spend the night here
two cats on the rooftop
howling together
say the word
I'll leap from this ledge
one less life to live without you

when you leave
sly, and stealthy like
I'll know you've left
I'll roll over and lie
in the dent you've made in my bed
where the pillow still smells like your hair

insanity, death and revenge

when all you have left
are borrowed sayings
broken mirrors and bad luck
haunted by demons of your own making

imagination is held hostage by fear
creating shades in the dark
and horrifying deaths
to die, and die again

you surrender your integrity
and sell your values
for some peace of mind
and find yourself plauged by shadows
and a chorus of laughter
a comment on the comedy you call life
they laugh at your nakedness
as you search in vain
scramble and fall and scrape your knees

the whispers roaring in your mind
drowning out all other sound
sitting with your back to the wall
harried by the wolves
who bear the faces of your loved ones
crying out your apologies
but they will not forgive you now

hysterical laughter erupts from your mouth
as the bloodred snake
slithers through the wolves
biting one here
another there
after the serpent disperses your tormentors
he wraps himself around you
feel the dry scraping of his skin
see his eyes, ever shifting
his tounge tasting your breath
he kisses you
and you are not afraid.

running away (edit)

I miss old friends
that meant nothing to me then
but now that I'm gone
I don't know why I left
was I just afraid
of what? responsibility
afraid they would get to know me
and not like what they see
running away from life
as soon as I become comfortable in a situation
I throw myself deeper into the fire
and somewhere between tears and laughter I lie
you should laugh, I would not blame you
what a fool I have been
was it too much, was it not enough?
why am I running away?

damn them

Damn every poetry contest that makes you cut up your work, your art, your precious feelings. All to fit into a tiny box. If I can't submit all of it then there is no chance of winning anyway, so why even bother submitting it at all, who am I kidding. I am not capable of writing something meaningful, something thought-provoking, in 21 lines or less. Perhaps I am not a good poet because of that, well so be it, I will not limit myself, not for those posers, those fools.

Question of the Day (well, yesterday)

Question of the Day
Wednesday, Jan. 12

Q. Is it better to love and lose or never love at all?

A friend of mine asked me the same question. This guy she really cared about, that helped her so much, had moved away (on her birthday!!) and she never got to tell him how she felt. This, of course, got her thinking that it would have been better not to have loved at all. I told her to think of how much that love has changed her, how much good it brought into her life, and to be grateful that he came, not bitter that he left.

Death Wish

when I die
scatter my ashes on the sea
that I might become a part of it
a part of the air you breathe
a part of the rain
that washes away your tears
cast me upon the ocean
that I might be free

in the end

standing in line
buying tickets for the second coming
c'mon c'mon get saved with us
forget the sea
cried the trees
a forest of treachery
and religion
you died for your own glory
don't blame me
c'mon c'mon get saved today
he'll be here all week
just one last show
and he'll be gone
for a long time again
Jesus
you died for your own glory
don't blame me
I'll die for my own sins
Save us
Jesus
Save us
fifty percent on sundays
the door price is so high
I've died for my sins
and here I live again
I'll make up for it
in the end.

T-mobile is the bomb, yo

I'm in borders and I now officially love t-mobile.

Radioshack

I'm posting this from the radioshack in Prince Kuhio Plaza. I really have nothing to say. I'm with my dad right now, we're gonna see National Treasure later.
Say hi dad.

hi Jessie

Okay bye

bye

shallow graves

The mountains rose
out of the mist
in the shallow grave
I can feel the sunlight
touch an unfeeling face

the forrested peaks
reach out to the clouds
asking for rain

we are all toy soldiers
why don't you love us, god
from that high up
we don't look that bad
or are you up there?

oceans

silent sea
beautiful sea
what do you hide
beneath your mysterious waves
and in the sun's waking
one might chance to look upon you
and know all

on the edge of the ocean
we built our homes
and there we dwelt for awhile
so soon
we forgot our fear
and moved further inland
and lived in the trees

one lost soul
I found my way back
into the arms of the sea
you've changed
the sea whispered all around me
and I sank beneath the waves

No. 37

YEAAAA WOOOOOO
I need to commune with some spirits
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
HA HAAAAAA
OOOOOOHHHH YEAAA
I feel weird
I need a good man
mmmmmmm.......I think I'm having macnut withdrawals
and mac n cheese
talk me down man, talk me down.
don't leave me like this.....
I'm scared dave
will I dream
daveyyyy.....daaavveeeyy
my battery is dying and I don't think I'll make it to the next checkpoint Steve.
Are the townsfolk kind?
I don't know.
But you grew up there.
So did you.
ahhhhhhh......abstract amatuer hour.
lets all sing along
am I making any sense here?
don't worry, it gets better
I'm too late
I'm gonna go howl at the moon, catch you later
maybe we can steal some sunlight
give it to the people

The aliens had long necks and small oval shaped heads.
and they talked to me, do not be afraid, they said.
Yeah, right.
We have come to take you home.
Home?
Yes.
Oh...Okay.
I could not speak, I think they can read minds.

the invisible world is knocking on your door.
You answer it but no one's there.
Their motivations are not human.
Ahhhhhhhhh.......sweet release.
scream for me.

I'm waiting for something amazing to happen.
The pictures are watching me.
They know when he's coming but they won't tell me.
I don't want to live because I don't understand and if I ever see your face again I think I'll be dead then, beacause I've never seen your face before.
I've seen your heart, I've read your soul.
And as the dark shadows come forward from the mist, I think I know you.
I miss your beautiful face.
The world is less without you.
I am lost.

Throw another one back, cock your head and listen.
you can feel the good burning flow of alcohol down your throat.
Close your eyes and drown out the noise of the bar, and have another.

Did you feel that?

skid marks,
another mother, father, daughter, sister, brother is lost.
tragedy on the road.

Danny Sugerman

Danny Sugerman, who first saw The Doors in concert in 1967 and landed a job at their West Hollywood office answering fan mail, eventually becoming the group's manager, died last night, at the age of 50, after a long struggle with lung cancer. Born in L.A. in 1954, Sugerman attended Westchester High School and immediately became involved with The Doors. He co-wrote the 1981 New York Times best-selling Jim Morrison biography, No One Here Gets Out Alive, with Jerry Hopkins, then followed up with the autobiographical Wonderland Avenue and books on Guns N' Roses and The Doors. Sugerman also consulted Oliver Stone on his 1990 movie The Doors, which starred Val Kilmer as Morrison. Danny had been co-managing The Doors with Jeff Jampol and the L.A.-based management company The Firm.

'From the time he joined our fold -- as the 14-year-old kid Jim Morrison suggested we hire to do our scrapbook -- until his passing, Danny Sugerman has been a driving force behind The Doors,' said the band's drummer, John Densmore. 'He wrote a bestseller about the band and guided our career for over 30 years. I was with Danny a couple of hours before he passed; he knew he was going. I only hope that when my time comes, I face it with as much courage and dignity as Danny did. He crossed over as a Bodhisattva.'

'Danny Sugerman was a great friend of mine, and a fantastic manager for The Doors,' said keyboardist Ray Manzarek. 'His mind was sharp as a tack, with a very high IQ -- I loved creating with him. Danny and I set out to keep the name and the poetry of Jim Morrison alive back in 1973, and we continued working together until his death. I will miss him deeply. Now he's gone into the light, into the arms of the Buddha whom he so loved. Danny is standing side-by-side with his great friend, Jim Morrison, and the two of them will now be laughing together into eternity.'

'Danny was the original, number one Doors fan right up until the end,' noted guitarist Robby Krieger. 'He was so obsessed with Jim Morrison and The Doors that he never stopped to realize what an amazing life he had. Danny never ceased to amaze me: That annoying little kid who hung around the Doors office finally talks his way into answering fan mail. Next thing, seemingly overnight, he becomes a best-selling author. Danny takes Jerry Hopkins' research on the Doors and crafts it into possibly the best rock-and-roll book ever written. It's amazing how many lives have been changed (hopefully for the better) by No One Here Gets Out Alive. Then Danny lands a nice little job for himself: manager of The Doors. Pretty neat. But the smartest thing he ever did was to marry Fawn Hall. Theirs was one of the best marriages I knew of. Danny, wherever you're going, I hope you end up with Jim again. Lynn and I loved you until the end.'

'Danny Sugerman was more than a friend and a business partner to me,' said Jeff Jampol, The Doors' co-manager. 'He was an awe-inspiring mentor, a cherished, loving advisor and a living, breathing example of honesty, giving, service and, above all, grace and dignity. He taught me so much. It's funny -- I thought it was about business, but it was actually about life, spirit, and how to be a better human being. I'm going to mourn him terribly, but I have the very enviable duty of keeping his light and his legacy alive, through the music of The Doors, the words and poetry of Jim Morrison and the principles Danny instilled in me. I'll consider myself doubly blessed if I can pass on to others even a sliver of what I received so freely from him. I miss him so much already.'

Sugerman is survived by a brother, Dr. Joseph, sister, Nan, and wife, the former Fawn Hall. A recovering addict, he was active with organizations like the Drug Policy Foundation , Musicians' Assistance Program and NARAS' MusiCares Foundation .

Private services are being planned. The family is requesting that in lieu of flowers, a donation be made in Danny's name to the MusiCares/MAP Fund, 817 S. Vine Street, Hollywood, CA, 90038.

- January 6, 2005

(Part Seven) This is the longest second I've ever experienced

peace,
a long stretch of highway
I've never traveled down before.
where everything is new and an adventure to behold.
going at irresponsible speeds
I am not afraid
of the road or where it leads.
take me somewhere new
tarmac god
give me an adventure,
show me something beautiful,
show me something real.
the rain makes soothing noises above me
and the darkness is peirced by the headlights
gentle darkness
gentle rain.
We are running away from where we've been,
take me to the place where the sun doesn't set.
and we will drive into the darkness together.
around the next enticing corner awaits our destiny,
and destiny will not wait much longer
it will move on, infringe itself upon another.
do not let destiny slip away,
rise up and meet her.
smash headlong into the brick wall of life.
caution is for the mortals
we will become gods
the ultimate sacrifice
we will lose ourselves in the universe.

Sunlight and the breeze do funny things to the mind.

I feel like I'm trying to rememeber something,
a feeling.
Is it just the way the sun hits the trees,
reflects upon the water,
or the feel of the breeze on my face.
I spin around enjoying the detached dizziness
and I wish this day would never end.
Tonight will be a glorious night.
The warm sunlight will turn into cool moon
and I will be sorry to see it,
such a bittersweet sight.
The music drowns out
the sound of the cars on the highway.
Everything feels new and old at the same time.
I've been to this place a thousand times and once,
and I know I've felt this way before.
Gliding beneath the trees,
on the way to a beach.
Looking with open eyes at all the life,
the sunlight filtered through the leaves,
making funny shapes on the road.
Still I can't describe the feeling,
it's like knowing a secret.
But it's lost now.
I sit high above humanity,
much farther than I was before,
and still I feel like I am there
gliding beneath the trees.
And the breeze tastes like life.

To The Sea

To the sea she cried
into the wind
and all the soft bodies
raced to the shore
and there they found her
dancing in a ring of fire
with wolves at her heels
and the sparrows song
filled the sky
and the air shimmered
in her wake

Red Vs. Blue

I'm downloading the red vs. blue christmas special. I got the season 1 & 2 dvd's for my brother for christmas, or well, I got them for myself and ended up giving them to him. Those movies are fucking hilarious!

New Years Day

Well I didn't go to hilo, I went to a friends wedding instead and ended up helping the servers. But that was okay my best friend was helping me and we didn't really know that many people there so I thought helping would be better than trying to mingle. Besides I was glad to help. I called my dad later to wish him a happy new year and I heard all my cousins in the background having fun and popping firecrackers and I cried, I guess I was lonely. I regretted not getting up that morning and going, and I hated myself. I hope this isn't how the rest of the year will be.