work in progress

I am in the process of slowly modifying the template of this blog to suit my diabolical plan, just today I have added a new thing "right there for all the world to see", a collection of links to interesting sites or perhaps posts that I am fond of. I'm sure no one really gives a damn, so I'm pretty much just tooting my own horn here, but what the fuck, this is the internet, if you don't like what you've got, happiness is only a mouse click away. Perhaps not lasting happiness, but instant gratification has always been more rewarding hasn't it?

gmail anyone?

okay, I really want to get rid of these invites so if anyone wants a gmail account, and they are pretty awesome, just email me (meth.angel@gmail.com) and I'll send you one.

another social comment from a reluctant member of society.

I've decided to take up smoking. Sure it's another six months or so until I turn 18 but what the fuck, at least I know what I'm getting into. Knowing me, I probably won't be smoking after I turn 18 anyway, just like I probably won't be drinking after I turn 21. Why can't I decide? Society's definition of adulthood is too fucked up to be taken seriously. You can fly a plane solo when you're 15, drive when you're sixteen, you're responsible for your own traffic tickets at 16, have sex at 17, smoke when you're 18, drink when you're 21, but you can't rent a car until your 25. Good luck finding an apartment at 18 too. They can't just draw a line and say "here, now you're an adult, you are responsible for taking care of yourself" because everyone matures differently. With the way the world is today most children are taking care of themselves years before they turn 18. I guess I can understand why they spread things out so much, except for the rent-a-car thing...that just makes no fucking sense, but it still doesn't mean I'm going to live ny those rules. I guess I'm just one of those people who thinks the rules don't apply to me. With the way young people are today I guess they need these rules, these whining bastards aren't capable of making intelligent decisions, they'll do whatever the media tells them to, whatever the celebrities are endorsing, or in some cases the exact opposite. These people are no more capable of understanding what they need than little children, perhaps even less so.

I speak of the younger generation, generation x, as if I weren't one of them. I really don't think I am, there are alot of people who would say otherwise but then, they don't know me anyway. Most people don't really want to get to know each other, I suppose it's because then they'd realize that they aren't all so unique, they aren't all that special. I guess when you realize that there are countless numbers of people out there with the same feelings as you, the same addictions, you see that all of this angst you've been carrying around isn't what makes you different, it's what makes you the same. You are faced with the fact that you are not really a person, you are an automaton, a sheep in human clothing, something that vaguely resembles a human being but lacks the honesty, the realness of one. You are a part of Generation X, the self aware, self inflicted, self denial, selfish generation, trying so hard to change the world without ever having lived in it, without ever truly experiencing it.

Disposable language should be the trademark of our era. People are so afraid of silence that we must fill every moment with sound, until all of it is meaningless, and those with something important to say have to take more and more drastic measures to communicate them. Death has become the new media for communication, but still we cannot hear, so more people have to die, in more horrific ways, just to get a point across. Even now the method is becoming so overused that we are closing our ears to it. Why are we so uncomfortable with silence? Are we afraid of hearing ourselves think, or of the utter silence we will find within our hearts and minds, with only the echoes of guilt reverberating off our inner walls.

We run so hard from despair and depression, take another pill, anything to fill your empty life. We'd rather feel something fake, a chemical reaction, than work through our emotions and try to understand them. Everyone is depressed nowadays, but why shouldn't they be, is the world so great that depression is so out of place? A disease, or just a natural side effect of the dis-ease of society? Should we treat this problem with medication that numbs your heart and puts your mind to sleep, or should we be eliminating it's cause. Like with cancer, you can treat the symptoms but the tumor still remains. Are we sacrificing our humanity just for the sake of comfort, because we are unwilling to risk a change, or reluctant to put forth the effort? Or are we too proud to admit the problem. If you are depressed try to understand why, If you want to kill yourself find something to live for, if you want to kill other people...seek professional help.

Depression is probably the most selfish of human emotions, and with the way society treats it, I shouldn't wonder. But it is still a human emotion, you may as well try to supress joy or anger for all the good it does you. It is something that must run it's course, that is not to say that you should just sit back and wallow in it, anger is an emotion that has to run it's course but we do things to help ourselves understand it and eventually rid ourselves of it. In order for depression to run it's course we must do the same, understand the emotion and it's origins and come to terms with it. Sure, it's easier to take a pill, and I may feel like shit for a little while, or even a long time. But at least what I'm feeling is real, at least I know I'm alive, and I wouldn't give that up for anything.

I am no longer depressed. For awhile I maintained that I never was but I was just lying to myself, I've been through some pretty fucked up shit, but now I've come to terms with it all. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't experienced all of the things I have, and to be honest, I'm okay with the person I am, I know I could be better but I had to let go of some things before I could grow, I still do. It's a long and hard process, becoming a decent human being, but one I'm willing to devote my life to.

and another one

Nothing is sacred
Everything is real
Nothing real can be threatened

If your happiness is so easily threatened by reality, how can you be sure it is real? I think the key to being truly happy is to accept reality, accept that everything else is an illusion because it can be threatened. Nothing is sacred, because holding something sacred is only distancing yourself from it. Essentially, everything becomes more sacred that ever before. When you stop drawing lines you allow yourself to become closer to life, closer to your own emotions.

To hold something sacred is to hold it above everything else, above even yourself. You are not truly experiencing it, not truly close to it. One must accept everything for what it is, acknowledge it's base in human nature and respect it, not revere it. To love something, truly love something, you accept it for all it is and isn't, and you bring it closer to youthan anything you have ever believed in or held sacred.

Everything that you value, believe in, everything that you place above reason or human nature can be threatened. You have attached a sentimental illusion to it, and illusions are often so easily shattered. Once you accept the reality of a thing, love it, it cannot be threatened by reality because you see it realistically, and in reverse, it cannot threaten you. This is similar to one overcoming ones fear, once a person has accepted their fear they are no longer threatened by it. I think this is because when you fear a thing you attach an illusion to it, perhaps not sentimental, but surreal all the same.

06.10.05

I am struggling to differentiate between what is worth saying and what just comes to mind. Do I want a reputation for being wise or entertaining and quick witted. I have found that it is difficult to be known as both, people tend to take offense at my honesty and not take what I say seriously. When you are know for being glib people take your words with a grain of salt, as it were. Also I've noticed that people think I'm incapable of that level of thought or understanding. I try to tell myself it's better to be underestimated but I do get tired of people etting the wrong impression of me. I have alot of secrets, secret desires, but I truly want people to know me, how can I expect to grow when even my own opinion of myself is wrapped up in what other people think of me. I truly wish it didn't matter to me. I don't know how anyone could love me if no one really knows who I am, and that's all I want, to be loved. Sure people like me, to be completely honest, and not to sound concieted, people are drawn to me, and I like that, but I'm still afraid to show them who I am.

a message from the anti anti-piracy pirate

I would like to extend my deepest thanks to all of those dedicated pirates out there on the internet for my excellent copy of the foo fighters' new cd.

Mo faffles, anyone?

Suddenly there stood in the doorway a man of enormous stature and very poor taste in clothing. His mass of coal black hair was kept from tumbling into his face by a bright red ribbon tied in a smart little bow, his mask seemed too small for his round face and from the way he moved you could tell he had some difficulty seeing, probably due to the impossibly large peacock feather atop his head that kept falling in front of his eyes. He wore a high collared tunic of forest green with a burnt orange trim, the cape that billowed out behind his noble bulk was of no particular color, instead it seemed to be made of a strange irradescent material that caused physical illness if one looked at it for too long. His dark purple tights were uncomfortable even to look at and his large feet were dwarfed in rubber boots so large that your mind refuses to accept their existance, it was a wonder that he could even walk.
"I am the great Mo Faffles," he said, in a strangely urbane voice.

I regress

I wish I could remember all of what happened in the psych ward, it was actually pretty fun, if ten days in a mental institute can be described as fun, I know that I wish I had stayed longer, but when I look back on it I suppose it's better that I hadn't. Really, I just wish I could describe it all as it was happening, I wish I could put into words what I was thinking, how I was feeling at the time, how we were all feeling. I don't think that my polluted memory could do justice to the people I met there, or illustrate the connection I felt to all of them. I don't think anyone would laugh at the hilarious moments we shared, either I'm not that good a writer or my memories aren't clear enough, I've never been good at telling funny stories anyway. Whenever I hear Iris from the goo goo dolls I think of that morning we all sang it while we were sitting at the breakfast table, the words took on a new meaning that day. I'll never look at rice crispies the same way again and I'll always have an affinity for lasagna, and I have an interesting anecdote when someone asks me where I learned to make paper cranes, or why I always keep my pinky nail on my righ hand short. If it is frustrating to read about how I wish I could write about all theses things it is ten times worse to not be able to. I will try, one day when I can sort it all out in my head. I think I need hypnotic regression or something.

The Jessica

"Just remember, you go as a representative of The Jessica."

"You call yourself 'The Jessica'?"

"Only when it's completely inappropriate."

Nosce te ipsum...

anniversaries and adversaries

When I first started this blog I had no idea that it would become such a big part of my life, I have no idea how many people are actually reading this on a regular basis, not very many I'll wager, but I've found that I actually look forward to posting any interesting thoughts or ideas I have during the day, like someone who can't wait to tell some funny incident to a friend or loved one. When I started I didn't think I had anything to say, I didn't think I could write about politics and, well, my life didn't seem that interesting (it still doesn't). My views....I didn't even know what they were at the time, but through the proccess of writing this blog I've discovered my own beliefs, what I am passionate about, my virtues and a great many of my faults.

I've been more honest with complete strangers on the internet than I have with my own family, sometimes even with myself. Indeed, if anyone were to take the time to read this they would know more about me in a few minutes than people who have known me my entire life. I think it is part of human nature to want to be known, I've always been underestimated, and for the most part I don't mind, but sometimes I get tired of people getting the wrong idea about me. Human beings need to feel connected to something or someone else, we are not built to live completely alone, although more often that not we must. I have learned my greatest fear is...being alone, I am so alone that I can't stand the company of others because it only worsens that pain. I fear I will never find anyone who understands me.

I do not post all of my secrets on this blog, some things are better left unsaid, as the saying goes. I wish, at times, that I could forget all of my secrets, if only to rid myself of this need to tell them to someone. I want to become the person I am on the outside so I don't have to worry about people liking who I am on the inside. I am afraid to become a better person, afraid to grow, because I might lose those characteristics that define me, those same characteristics that I do not want people to define me with. I don't want to be know as the sarcastic one who never takes anything serious, always good for a laugh, nor would I like to be know as cruel and judgemental and closed-minded, but I like my sarcasm and my sense of humor, my judgement has never failed me yet and sometimes it is necessary to be cruel, that does not mean I enjoy it. Perhaps I am closed-minded about some things, and often my callous indifference may give way to righteous indignation, I'm never sure which is worse.

Can I retain all of these traits I value in myself and still grow as a person? My sense of humor puts off the people who know me as serious and my seriousness irritates those who expect me to make a joke of everything. I suppose there is no way to please everyone. I like that I am able to make people laugh, but I find that with certain people, especially those who expect it of me, being glib and superficial is tiring. My mind is neither one or the other, I am always thinking about these serious things but I am also always able to make a joke of things, perhaps my timing is off when it comes to the serious things. I do tend to get impatient with people for not accepting that side of me, when I have never really given them a chance to get used to it. We all place people into stereotypes, categorizing them, refusing to accept that they can be different than what they have shown us, I do as well, perhaps that is why I believe I must be one way or another. In the end, it doesn't matter how other people define me, for they are usually only seeing one side of me, and everything in the universe is subject to interpretation, they are merely making an uneducated guess. I must be myself, whoever that might be, and hopefully someone will come along who knows me as well as I know myself.

Fate is a funny thing, often I have done things that I have regretted, only to see those acts redeemed in a way. I don't know if something good just comes of everything or if my actions were meant to be, lately I have been realizing how my actions fit into the bigger picture, how some innocent remark or uncharacteristic decision, like starting this blog, has had such dramatic results. In about four days I will have been doing this for six months and I wonder, would I even know myself if I hadn't started this blog?

today

I guess that concludes the photo session of tonight's blog, I haven't had much time to scan my pictures, what with werk and all. I'm gonna be working ten days in a row this week, I don't really care, I'm getting paid. They don't pay for insurance here, which is fairly illegal, my mother is having a fit about it, because she doesn't want to pay for my insurance. I really don't care but she wants me to report them, I don't think it matters, the universe unfolds as it should, the owners certainly seem to be having a hard time of it. I'm giving back my McDonalds uniform, I will finally be closing that door for good, no matter how much they ask me back. I'm only holding myself back by holding on to those things, I need to move forward. I found my last biology textbook and I'm trying to focus but my mind has been so fragmented recently, I can barely even watch movies, I keep renting them and not watching them and then having to return them. I suppose it doesn't matter, I do work there. I've been buying a lot of movies as well, I don't exactly know what that accomplishes, I hardly ever watch them, I guess I could always say I'm learning my trade.

Life is pretty much happening without my help, I don't know how I feel about that but I have a sneaking suspision that it doesn't really matter either way.

We went to wal-mart tonight, my brother, his wife and son, and I. It was a fairly uneventful evening, but I always end up feeling lonely after spending time with them, or my other siblings for that matter. It's like I'm the fifth wheel, they all have families, I feel like I don't belong with anyone. I think I'd rather be alone than with any of them. I don't think I should feel that way and I'm not really sure why I do, I'm so tired of tagging along. Even with Rene'e, when it's just the two of us, I'd rather be alone, though I suspect that could be for other reasons. Perhaps I feel this way because I am not really comfortable with myself, so when I am with others who, although unwittingly, flaunt that which I sorely lack, I feel it more deeply. Because I feel as if I need someone, when all I need, and all I have, is myself.

The last Senor Billy's card. 

"I'll teach you to sneak up on me like that!!!" 

blaaarrhhahahaha!!!! 

strawberry baby 

Disturbing Earl. 

oh, death. 

the munky gets his revenge... 

it takes a simple trap to ensnare a simple mind... 

grrrrrr, I eat him. 

ooohhhhh, I love him. 

well, this is a dog...in a sombrero, I should think that would be obvious... 

photoblogging is fun!!!!

I bought an all in one printer and an external hard drive last week and now I'm scanning all of my photos, this is soooo neat!!!
I've got a bunch of wierd pictures I've been dying to put on here, mostly me and my brother fucking around...

Wifflestick Man, hunting the elusive wild hot pocket, gnashes his teeth, warning off any rivals. 

My brother's soybean. 

My buddy NTefourou. 

another epiphany

Acting is just a day job. Film is a passion, I love it, but at the end of the day, that is not how I want to be defined, as a celebrity. Service to humanity is the best work of life, filmmaking is a means to that end. Just as my job at the video store is a means to becoming a filmmaker. I must never forget that first, I want to help people, everything else I do must adhere to that credo. I must abandon these petty quirks for wisdom, adolescence has been sweet, but it is time to do what must be done.

I feel a twinge of regret as I look back on the person I have become. I don't hate myself enough to change, I will miss this person. The important thing is the person I will become, and that is infinitely better. My heart is my center, everything I do, every move I make comes from that. I will not steal, it will only bring me bad fortune. I must balance my passions with my duties. I must be silent, I must focus. I must strengthen my body as I strengthen my will. I must focus all of my energy towards becoming a filmmaker. I must focus all of my energy towards leaving this place.

fools wisdom

Why do these petty quirks mean so much to me. Am I wise for knowing how to behave like an adult, no, anyone my age may know how to behave as an adult, what makes me wise is behaving like one. All of the impatience and the faults and the selfishness I know I would be better without, but why do I cling to them so? To hold on to that feeling of youth? It is not the ability to chose which makes us wise but the choices we make. So am I really as wise as I like to think I am? A wise person would focus, a wise person would learn when to be silent, a wise person would let go of petty rivalries and idle gossip. Shall I then give up my adolescent comforts for the wisdom of adulthood, am I capable of doing so, or am I just all mouth.

Sometimes I feel like I'm seventeen, I'm not quite sure how I feel about that, I never liked to feel like a child. What I don't like the most is that feeling of uncertainty, of unreasoning terror, everything that seemed so sure and possible now seems so far away. What I wonder is-- is the worrying more real, or at least more realistic, that my insufferable self-confidence. Am I truly that person, or am I just a frightened teenager, terrified of being alone and on my own for the first time. Not that I haven't been alone my whole life, and not that I doubt that I can take care of myself, but my feelings shift with each passing moment, do I know I can do this, or am I afraid I'll never survive? I believe I will, I've survived worse than apartment hunting, I think what makes me so afraid is that I don't know what to do, I've never looked for an apartment, I've never moved by my self, I've never had to worry about these things. I believe I can do it but I have no one to talk to to ease these fears, no one to offer advice, no one to guide me. I am lost, but my need is practical, not spiritual, for those matters I have always been able to look inside myself, these problems have no precedent. I need help and I have no idea where to look.

changes

Constant change helps children develop and learn faster, perhaps that is why I am more able to cope than Rene'e, my entire life has been constant change, while hers has been spent largely in the same, secure place. A part of me envies that security, but not a very big part. I always planned to travel when I had children, taking them with me wherever I went, I believe that they should experience as much of the world as they can. But I never want them to feel as I did, as if they have no home Is it possible to have both--change and security? I will teach my children to be vagabonds, wherever they are they are home. I will show them that you can carry your home inside of you, you don't need walls or a roof to house your spirit.

feelings

We sat there and talked for an hour or more about nothing, or everything, sex, drinking, kids, quitting smoking. It was so easy to be open with him, and we laughed so much. I've never felt sexy before with him, or with anyone for that matter, but this time it was different. Maybe it was the honesty or the shared laughter, or the fact that he wanted me, I felt something, I don't know if it was pleasure but it could have been close. I've never felt wanted before, I've never really wanted anyone. It wasn't serious sex, it wasn't even hot sex, it was kind of a funny, friendly sex, between two people with a mutual attraction. I was never attracted to him before, I guess it's because of what we're doing, I feel I can be honest with him. I mean, we're having sex, we should be able to be open with each other. I think I can trust him of all people. Well, I should go to sleep now, I do have to work tomorrow.

Faith and Abandonment

Part of me is relieved that Rene'e doesn't want to talk to me anymore, but I feel that somehow I'm giving up on her, which is exactly what she thinks I did. Help those who help themselves or help those who cannot? I can't convince her to listen to me and I certainly can't force her to. Maybe I'm wrong but I have a feeling that if she keeps going the way she is she'll be very unhappy for the rest of her life. I hope I'm wrong. I'll just have to back off I suppose, and let her know that I will always be there for her. I'm not asking her to believe in what I believe in, fuck I don't even know exactly what that is, but I know that she needs to believe in something. Even if only in herself, I just want to help her find her faith, whatever that might be.