What has been the long term result of not having a strong belief system while growing up? For me, and for Rene'e as well I believe, it has been turmoil. I think the only difference is that I am more adaptable, I was more open to lookng for those answers, whereas Rene'e still hasn't realized that she is searching, much less what she is searching for. My father believes that it is best not to raise a child with any religious beliefs. I think that parents believe this because they don't understand what a child goes through when raised without beliefs, perhaps they went through their own religious crisis as an adolescent or adult, but they do not truly know what it feels like. I have been lost for my entire life, human beings need beliefs, the ability to believe in something is hard-wired into us, and without beliefs we feel cut off from the rest of humanity. Many times I've felt jealous of people who have faith, many times I've argued about the fallacies of their beliefs, but what do I gain by stripping another human being of their faith? I am no longer interested in proving whether or not god exists, or jesus, or any of that shit that the athiests and the agnostics are hung up on, such an existence would be meaningless and cruel. I am happy that these humans have found something to believe in, however disappointed I may be in what they do in the name of their beliefs. I think people take faith for granted, it is no longer a way to feel connected to the universe, but an excuse to do horrible things to other individuals. It has become a weapon of mass delusion, a tool the powerful use and manipulate in order to elevate themselves and implement their own plans, to convert individuals into mindless worshippers. Individuality and hierarchy, the religious and the free spirits. Athiests may think themselves to be free but in reality they are just the bitter and sadly neccessary oppsition to the religious, they are the blind man that says sight cannot exist, and the agnostics are merely afraid. I am not saying that they are wrong, nor am I saying that all athiests and agnostics are really like this, I'm just trying to illustrate how they are not truly individuals. I think the true hierarchy in this world is organized religion, it is the one thing that even governments bow to. I am not trying to turn religious leaders into evil menacing men who are trying to control the world and steal your soul, indeed I don't have to, there are so many opposing religions out there that, doubtless, someone else has already made that claim. I'm not trying to say it is all a tangled conspiracy, a silent battle for supremacy and conformity, although it wouldn't be difficult to see it in that light. I am trying to see it in the basest form of human nature, it is human nature to want supremacy, and also to want conformity, but it is also quite simple for humans to convince themselves that they are right, and with that knowledge, convince others of the same. Human beings are full of contradictory emotions, for example, humans strive to be individual and yet we are quick to conform, and so willing to believe. I am not only speaking of religion, humans will latch on to any idea that is advertised to be original and rebellious, non-conformity has become quite popular, they sell it in clothing stores and you see it on television and probably in your own neighborhood. But are these people truly indiviuals? For example, look at punk rock, you've probably been to the mall and seen hot topic or any of those other stores, even macy's is now carrying punk clothes. I wonder if the first punks wanted their way of expressing their individuality to become a national obsession among teenagers, did they even want their friends to start dressing like them? Or did some company see potential in this unconventional style and think it might catch on? Fashion magazines write about finding a style of your own and then suggest various celebrities you can copy in order to do so. People no longer dress to express themselves but in hope that someone might copy them so they can tell people that they were the first, they started that trend. Young people have become mannequins, trendy assholes. My brother and I have taken to calling people 'alpha male' whenever they do something stupid or assholeish, just to see if it would catch on. I would suggest doing this to anyone willing to dedicate themselves to trying, just make up a saying that sounds fairly cool, if you say it enough, chances are it will catch on. You might even want to tell people that you heard it from someone popular, just to see if it spreads faster. Before half of my freshman year was over I had most of the high school saying 'I swear to bob' and ' spank you', it was a small high school but it worked all the same.
Rene'e told me today that she is now officially cured of her depression, she has regained normality. But what is normality anyway, by my definition Rene'e has always been normal, just another sheep. I am discovering, however, that the more time I spend with the 'normal' Rene'e the less I like her. I mean she annoyed me when she was all depressed an such but at least then it felt like there was some hope for her becoming a decent human being, now she is just as superficial as everyone else. Maybe I'm just jealous that she no longer needs me for anything, but I didn't ask for this, I care about her, I think I always will. I want to distance myself from her but...I just have so few friends...so little companionship, I get really lonely sometimes. Rene'e is the closest thing to a friend I have nearby. I miss Allison and Tawny, I know they have lives and I guess I envy them a little for that, mostly I just miss being around them, I always felt so comfortable with them. Rene'e was my friend because she needed me, now that she supposedly doesn't where does that leave me, feeling doubtful and used. It leaves me to find another person to take into my heart, Rene'e is just easy internet access and some light superficial entertainment, an inconstant muse and ever inriuging test subject, as she has always been.
I have a folder from eigth grade english, one that Mrs. Okamoto gave me, I keep it because my memory is so bad, so I won't forget that time when everything was so clear, when my future wasn't worrying me. I don't think it was because I knew what to do, but because I didn't care, that time that I lived in hilo was the safest and happiest times of my adolescence, I had good teachers and good friends and people I looked up to. I had a family, regardless of how uncomfortable or frustrating my home situation was there it was nothing compared to here, I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen to live in hilo after the hospital. I'm glad I didn't, I never would have discovered filmmaking and I never would have met Glen. Everyone thinks I fooled Glen, but I never lied to him, I lied to everyone else but I just didn't feel like I needed to lie to him. I lie to everyone who has contact with my family, I'm amazed that their opinions have so much influence over me, I remember saying once that I care what people think but not enough to change myself. I guess my hypocrisy is showing.
I keep so many things from the past, each with a little good memory attached to them. I need these little things to help me remember the good times, though I've never had any trouble remembering the bad. I can't remember what day it was that I went to the hospital, I can't remember whether or not it was sunny, I remember it felt warm and I remember Mrs. Okamoto hugging me. Apparantly I scored high on the suicide test, and I was actually being honest when I answered, although it took a little lying to get the guy to come and test me. He asked me whether or not I wanted to go now or after school was over, in retrospect I should have waited until school was over, it would have saved my friends alot of worry. I remember the ride to the hospital and the twelve hours I sat in the emergency room vaugely, the most I remember from that time was the uncomfortable feeling, maybe from the presence of my father, maybe the double breezer gowns, or maybe because they refused to shut the doors. Strangely, the plane ride is what sticks out most in my head, it was one of those little emergeny planes, the engine was so loud I couldn't hear myself humming, Steely Dan's Deacon Blues. The ambulance ride was uneventful and when we got to the hospital I didn't want them pushing me on that ridiculous stretcher, so wearing my camoflauge pants and double hospital gowns I walked the corridors with my head held high, flaunting my false dignity. Thankfully, it was one in the morning so the halls were fairly empty. Inside the locked psychiatric ward I was submitted to a search, which relieved me of whatever dignity I thought I had left, and to add insult to injury I had to give some wierd nurse my bra in order for her totake the underwire out of it. To this day I haven't any idea how someone could hurt themself with an underwire but I guess they didn't believe I wasn't that desparate. While she was destoying my poor innocent bra I was interviewed, during the course of which I learned what a pap smear was, it sounded horrible, all the while my arms were folded tightly over my chest. Perhaps I'm just not a free spirit but I've never been comfortable without a bra. I was given scrubs, at least they went with my pants, and shown into a room where a strange girl was sleeping. They left me lying on an unfamilar bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering what the fuck I was doing there. I didn't cry.
I guess I'm jealous of Rene'e, I mean, her parents give her anything she wants. I don't know why that matters though, she isn't any better a person nor any happier for it, I guess I'm just jealous of the fact that her parents seem to genuinely care about her, or at least she feels like they do. I wish I could convince myself that my parents gave a fuck about me but I'm not that naive, not that I don't think her parents care about her, perhaps I'm just biased. Also, she always seems to be in love, I've never been in love and frankly I'm beginning to wonder if I'm capable of it. I suppose it could be because I'm not really looking for love, at least not actively, I'm sort of waiting for it to happen. I don't really think there is anyone on this island that I could actually be in love with, the people I can actually relate to are either "too old" or they're women.
So apparently Rene'e isn't talking to me anymore, now that it's finally come to it, I can't help but feel relieved. I know she's backsliding, she isn't exactly unpredictable, but I don't want to give up on her. I'm not going to become what she thinks I am, the friend who doesn't care if she's hurt or not, I will always care.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - I think that I think therefore I think that I am
when I think back on my life so far, I'm just grateful that I had at least one good therapist.
When I was younger...it sounds so strange to say that...when I was younger, I'm only 17, I wonder if I'll be saying that about today, "when I was younger", knowing me I'll be saying that when I'm twenty. I don't like to tell people how old I am, after I tell them that any chance of having a decent adult relationship goes out the window, even a platonic one. And for men I'm just jailbait, maybe that's why I don't have any boyfriends....then again maybe not...I haven't got issues - I've got whole volumes, as I am so fond of saying. There are so few people I'm actually comfortable with, I don't think trust is an issue, just comfort. I've spent a great deal of my life being uncomfortable, and I'd like to go someplace where that isn't necessary, but I'm beginning to suspect that such a place doesn't exist. It seems as if I'm only comfortable with a certain kind of person, genuinely wierd, and it would be foolish of me to expect the rest of humanity to be that way. I know only six genuinely weird people: Allison, Tawny, Glen, Jacob, Krissy, and Amy, a recent addition to my individuals list. I'm almost sure I can add Krissy's mom to that list but I never really got to know her that well, there are a few other possibilies as well as her but I can't think of them right now, maybe Rene'e therapist.
Braccae tuae aperiuntur - Your fly is open
Nosce te Ipsum - Know Thyself
Ita est - thus it is
Diem perdidi - I have lost the day
Ira furor brevis est - anger is a brief madness
Id imperfectum manet dum confectum erit - it ain't over til it's over
Quid novi - what's new
Qui habet aures audiendi audiat - he who has ears, let him understand how to listen
Quot capita, tot sensus - there are as many opinions as there are heads
Ubi solitudinem faciunt, pacem appellant - where they create desolation, they call it peace
A life spent on freeways never realizing, or never acknowledging, how much he spent until his end was as inevitable as the day and the night. He tried to outrun life but only succeeded in aluding it for awhile, and when he realized that he had spent his life trying not to live for fear of dying he saw that he had lived and life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.
I've spent my life dreaming of what the future will hold, but I've realized that when you are dreaming of the future it seems that it never comes, it is life's way of telling you to live in the present. The past and the future is what makes up the now, people are ever influenced by the things that have come before, and ever in anticipation of the things that have not yet come to pass. Neitzsche said that human beings are ruled by our future, my father says that we are all governed by past experiences and that we are incapable of experiencing the present. I don't think there is anything inbetween, when you finally strip away the past and the future from the present what is left but pure and frightening emotions. Human beings are incapable of living completely in the the present because then we would be living without memory, without knowledge. Experiencing the present is something that can bring a person wisdom and at the same time steal it away. It would be like forgetting who you are and everything you've ever learned. But if that happened all of the boundaries human beings have created for themselves, all of the rules, the chains we've shackled ourselves with would melt away and we would be left capable of doing anything we could possibly imagine. The risk of living that way is very great, too great to imagine, if you let the boundaries fall between you and the rest of the universe you would inevitably be consumed, redistributed, you would become energy, ever changing. There must be another way to cross those boundaries, it probably involes a great understanding of the nature of the universe, rather than becoming a part of it. I think that is what happens when you die, when you finally break the cycle of birth and death and rebirth. At least, that's what I believe. We become gods, enlightened beings that have sacrificed their individuality to be part of everything. That is what I hope will happen to me some day, perhaps we are reborn to learn certain lessons, perhaps it is because of karma, but it could also be because we don't want to give ourselves up yet, we aren't ready to lose these strange personality traits and the uniqueness, the comfort of being alone.
I do not worship anything. I idolize and obsess, and I am prone to infatuation, but I do not worship.
I am aware that there are beings in this universe wiser and more powerful than me, in fact I know many personally, but I do not worship them.
I don't think we should be asking god or jesus to forgive us our sins, I think we should be asking if we would forgive ourselves.
Those who talk don't know and those who know don't talk.
I think I like forums better than chat rooms I mean they both have their own appeal but.... well, forums give you more time to articuate. but I like the fast pace of chat rooms the envioronment is more condusive it's like the pace in chat rooms just breeds creativity and you don't have enough time to wonder what the response will be. you get the best ideas when there are people around you can sort of bounce them off of and then when they do respond, it's like looking at something from a whole different perspective it's something like an orgy of minds, all of that energy directed towards a unified goal, and you end up creating something.... something that takes on an existence of it's own.
I wonder if the trees like to be so close together, if it's like a community, or if they are just fighting for the light. they certainly seem happier in the orderly rows of an orchard. I'm not sure how I know that.
I do not believe in god in the way the christians do, I acknowledge the fact that there are beings in this universe more powerful than I. But saying that, I would have to explain my definition of power and the nature of the universe.
A legacy is built by great deeds and great deeds are done by great people, but people do not know they are great until they are told so. I am telling you now, you are a great person, now do some great deeds.
incoherent thoughts and feelings written in metered poems without punctuation voices, individual, separated from souls unable to express their anger by invalid synonyms
trivial problems that seem so important to inconstant hearts and minds writing fleshed out words that hold meaning to no one else but still frustrate the incompetent inept at the interpretation of human minds and hours of written word spoken by volumes when no one says what they feel because there are no longer the words or the facility with which to mold them
For awhile I've been trying to figure out what it is I value, but I realize now what I really want to know is this: what do I believe in? I'm not going to try and decide whether or not I believe in god, I think I want to believe in god, the way christians do, but my image of god is very different from theirs. Sometimes I wish I could have christ as my savior but something inside of me just can't accept something like that, nonetheless I wish I could believe in something that profound. Perhaps I'm lost and I'm wrong and I need someone to save me, alot of the time I wish someone would, but I believe too much in the human spirit, I believe we can save ourselves. I think that might have been what jesus wanted to teach us, compassion, I don't think he wanted people to worship him and wait for him to save them, he wanted them to follow his example of love and self-sacrifice, he wanted to show them the good that was in each of us and teach us to live by that good, by that love. We aren't supposed to wait around for jesus to come and save us, we are supposed to live as he did, with a love as limitless as his. Have I just had an epiphany? That's funny, I don't feel like I have, I feel like I've known this all my life but have never been able to put it into words. I don't think I have any way of knowing if this is even an original thought, but I guess since I haven't heard anyone else talk about it I'll assume it is, for now at least, there are still many things I have yet to learn.
My relationship with my mother is like that of two people who have lived in the same neighborhood and known each other all their lives but never really talked about anything meaningful, never really tried to undestand one another. Although I do understand a great deal more about her than she does me. What she doesn't seem to realize, or at least she doesn't care to acknowledge is that she has pretty much lived her entire life dependant upon her parents. She married right out of high school and worked in her father's business as a real estate appraiser, she supported her family, I'll give her that, but she never really tried to do anything on her own. She dropped out in her first semester in college because she got pregnant, she told me once that after high school she wanted to live on her own a few years before she was married, but even if she hadn't married my father that probably wouldn't have happened, there was always Dan, now my stepfather, I wonder what would have happened had she married him instead but I guess it doesn't matter now. She and my father owned their own business for awhile but there is no need to guess who she ran to when she needed anything, then after she left my father it was back to appraising and later the restaurant. Both jobs she was unhappy with and complained about constantly but never would she consider doing something else, even when her father gave the business to his sister, only nine years my mothers senior, who she hated working with, she wouldn't leave. My mother is a good appraiser and any other company would be happy to have her but no, she was afraid her aunt would never speak to her again, although she was probably more afraid of having to be on her own. All my life she has told me that I will never be able to live in the "real world" but I wonder how she can make that judgement, considering that she has never expeienced the real world for herself. Complaining is her favorite past-time, she complains about her work though she will never quit, her children, her husband that she will never leave, her parents whose house she is living in. I don't know how many times I've told her to just leave, we can make it on our own. I've even offered to help her with rent and food and such, a fact which she conveniently forgets every time the subject comes up, it's so much easier to be a martyr. Perhaps her sheltered life is the reason why she is never supportive of me, she truly doesn't understand how terrified I am and I don't think there is any way to make her see. She just expects me to come back, like my brothers did, like she did and my father did. I will never be able to convince her that for me there is no going back, just like it was for my grandparents, they worked all their lives, for them going back was never an option, and what was it all for, so they could support their children and grandchildren in their old age? My mother has taught me how to take care of myself by showing me what I might become if I ever believe for one moment that I could come back, her selfishness and childish cruelty has saved me from wasting my life and ending up like her. She doesn't understand that I need her, I need to save money and I need her support. I am not obligated by any law to pay her anything, her selfish attempts to teach me responsibility are crippling me, they are preventing me from ever having the means to become independent. I don't think my mother ever had any dreams or ambitions for me, or if she did she never shared any of them with me. It's like she has no hope for me, no care regarding my feelings or career or happiness. She never expressed any enthusiasm about my decisions for my future, the only thing she expects from me is failure. Children strive for the approval of their parents, we want more than anything for them to be proud of us. I wake up each morning and go to sleep each night feeling like my mother doesn't love me.
