31.12.04


Don't you hate wrapping those oddly shaped presents? Posted by Hello

New Years Eve

I'll be going to Hilo today to see my dad and family and to spend new years with them. This was all kinda last moment, my dad doesn't even know I'm coming. I really miss my granma and my family over there so I decided since I didn't get to come over for christmas I would get on the bus and see them. I hope I have everything I need and I hope the bus is going tomorrow. And I hope my dad answers his phone tomorrow morning!

29.12.04


The view from my porch this morning. I was so amazed at how clear it was this morning I had to take a picture before I left for work, this was at about nine thrity. Most people think Hawaii always looks like this, but with the volcano it's always so voggy. Posted by Hello

28.12.04

the slow and steady progression

the slow and steady progression of my train of thought has brought me, though rather roundabout, to the conclusion that, drumroll please, I am not dead. No, I am not dead, but just barely alive.
It took so long to come to this
had I always known?
and does it show?
The truth, it seems, is hiding from me, the voices in my mind scream to be let free, and around every corner there is an adventure just waiting for me.
Say yes to life
the trees scream.
oh no, they are talking to me
It always happens just like this in my nightmares, in my wildest dreams.

Part Three

far across the stars
we traveled in search
of something we have already found
looking every which way but inside
afraid of what we might find
we chased the clouds

where are you going now
to the sea, to find my true love
where is she
I don't know
how will you find her
I will look into the water
and the sprites will show me the way
how can you be sure
I have this feeling

It's like waiting for christmas
and trying to sleep the night before

and all our lives we've waited
for truth and a new savior
have you been accepted
to the exclusive club
no girls allowed
and no white people
we wouldn't want to be racist

and we ask the questions
the answer we already knew
but we want to hear it anyway
it's so unbelievable
inconcievable

the view from my front porch. The picture is bad because I have a shitty digital camera, it's one of those $20 ones from Wal-Mart. Posted by Hello

My Dog Sally Posted by Hello

26.12.04

Part Six

In the end we will all be gods
blasphemy, she spat at the young man
I only speak the truth

if the truth is only an elusive dream
how do we know it's truth
and the only univesal truth
is that there is no absolute
and we struggle
searching for what we carry within us

after the beautiful rain
and the stars come to say hello
I will meet you there
and I will tell you lies
and you smile at me
for that is what you want to hear

for as much as we are searching
for truth
we certainly love the lies

and as they hold you up
exalted, above their heads
you let fly a savage war cry
shrill and terrifying
and perfection comes
through lifetimes of lessons learned
cut into our flesh
and our souls
and so we fail to see
the bigger picture
we are afraid

In the end we will all be gods
and his light burns her eyes
I only speak the truth

Rich

and the smell of sweat filled the room
but no one cared
her slow gyrations held their eyes
held hostage their senses
the music didn't matter
the only rythm they could feel
was the one with which she moved
slow, like moving through water
everything was in slow motion with her
fast, like some drug induced madness
the air around her blurred
the muscles rippling beneath her clothes
enticing and mysterious

her eyes were closed
treacherous orbs that could steal your soul
if you could stand to look
like the white of the fire, so were the black of her eyes

her lips moving
reciting some ancient incanation
the air around her was sharp
the minds around her dull
entranced, she leapt through
technicolor fields and pastel skies
and we followed her down
into the caves where ancient man lived
posessed by primal spirits
we enacted their glorious rituals
with her as our goddess
and entrusted with our souls
she danced still
and threw our souls as offerings
to her hungry gods
and threw her own as well
and we followed her down
wandering, soulless through the shadows
the memory of her dance never faded

and souls unloved
she doesn't exist
our world is less without her

and the music grew so loud
we could not hear our hearts beating in our ears
and know that we're alive


Part Four

we made it past their forward defences
silently creeping along the wall
past the watch dogs
silent sentinels, lightly dozing
as the mist arose we stole the ancient treasure
from the temple of the fire
and delivered it unto our fair gods
imposing and immaculate
and we were rewarded with eternal sleep
what a jip, we thought
as we lay frozen,
unmoving in the ancient gallery
next to the heroes of years gone by
we sighed and accepted our fate
surely it is better this way
to lie unchanged and watch the passage of time

the progression of the eons
left little mark upon our souls
silent tombs
the graffiti of the young
our only markings
and as we watched
the stars blazed and fade away

we realized that we sacrificed our lives
to pave the way
for the ungrateful generations to come
and what have we now
but empty tombs and dusty tomes
a star in the pavement of the sidewalk
and heroes older than our memories can recall
and legends we have become,
tales told by the fireside.

25.12.04

christmas

I love and hate christmas. Love it because it's the season when everyone is kind to each other and just genuinely seems to give a shit, hate it because it's the only season when everyone is kind to each other and just genuinely seems to give a shit. If you play christmas music all year round just to keep up that feeling of good will, well, you're nuts. But more power to you, my wacko friend, right on.

I hate when people ask my age, not only is it rude, but it prevents me from having any kind of decent adult relationships. Most of my good friends, the ones I can hold an intelligent conversation with, are around 10 to 15 years older than me. Wisdom is not measured by age, but by experience, not worldly expeirience, but emotional, psychological, which is then added to by physical experiences. Granted there are some things that are not easily understood without a certain amount of experience dealing with them, but a wise person knows when they do not understand something, and seeks help and advice from those with more experience dealing with it.

He looked at me and said, "you are going to be so different", I don't know if he meant my appearence or my philosophy, but he was right, I can feel it. I am not the same person I was this time last year, I am honest enough to admit that, some changes I am quite proud of, and other not so much, but such is life. This, of course is something I cannot reveal to any but my closest friends, for no one else would actually believe me. The changes were mostly internal and although I'm working on making them external, it's harder than I thought. The problem is that no one knew who I was a year ago, for that matter no one really knows who I am now. I try to be completely honest with myself, if not with everyone else. That is why I would be a good actress, my entire life is an act. My grandfather says that I'm very perceptive, thats true but not entirely accurate, at least, I don't feel that it does this 'talent' jusice. I know what people expect, or, I wouldn't say think but, feel. I act like other people expect I would. This has fucked me up many times.

22.12.04

Part Two

and machines are made to sound like men
the irrevocable insult
they do it better than us
we thought up new ways to pleasure ourselves
we cured erectile dysfunction
before we cured cancer
and Man is forever searching
for new ways to satisfy his cock
the savage desires that drive us all
flaming, into the ground
we worship anyone who tells us to
fall upon our knees and kiss their feet
we do not worship stars
we worship men, and think them better
treat them better
and our children have no heroes
except drug addicted fiends

posers, posters
we love those who we do not know
and hate them the next moment
we make gods to tear them apart
because we cannot be gods ourselves

why not?
because, my friend, we are only human

only human
you speak of losing our humanity
and yet when we err we are
after all
only human

the world know's itself
god is a knowledgable man
knowledge of self
for all are one

I walked into the universe one day
excuse me, I said
I did not see you there
that is alright, the universe replied
no one ever does
and the universe passed me by

I followed
but it moves so fast
I called out
but I don't think it heard
and I prayed
bared my soul
ugly and wretched as it is
and the universe took me in it's arms
and showed itself to me
and showed myself to me
I saw my birth, and I was reborn
my death, many deaths
and my lives
sad and lonely
after all
I am only
human
and the beauty and the suffering
we all suffer
we are all alone
until we realize
humanity is more than it seems
and we rejoin the universe
though we were never apart.

21.12.04

My Stupid Haiku

I hate Haiku, you have only so much space to express yourself. It makes me feel limited.

train rolls down the tracks
one less shiny penny here
insurmountable





No Title

as sad as autumn to see the summer fall,
with no hope for the future and all memories of the past
still uncomfortably warm.
as bleak as winter waiting for the coming spring,
which seems to take so long.
I am in the autumn of my life,
I can see nothing but the cold months ahead,
only a glimpse of the brightness of spring,
but afraid of it's glory for the haunting memories of the past
praying for the cold release of winter
to numb my heart and sharpen my mind,
the howling of the icy wind to drown the clamour of doubt
that has risen in my head,
the steady stagnation of a world without growth or change
to be the calm before my storm.
the comforting and eerie silence
when all other beings are asleep
alone I sing my song, searching for others like me
as the elements fight me,
full of cruel hatred, they ravage me.
I look forward to the winter,
for without it there can be no spring.

04.01.04


Part One

as we fall away from the earth
further into the burning sun
further than we've ever come
and everything is purple and clean
and we all seem so dirty
and we're afraid to come in
and all the ghostly gods
the shadows of humanity
not shadows but images superimposed
on your best friend
you do not recognize him
you do not recognize yourself
neither does anyone else
we've all been lazy lately
lounging in pleasure and lost time
and wasted dreams float upon the water
they pass us by
it seems the time has come and gone
and we just sit unchanging, unmoved
waiting for he next tide
and as the sea backs away from the shore
we run, afraid to be sucked under
afraid of the dreams we let fall before
of life's revenge upon us for neglecting all we loved
of the cosmic bitchslap than inevitably will come
when all our tokens are spent

all we have left are the memories
of the good deeds and the bad
and the regret, and bad haircuts

our souls float upon the water
they pass us by
bitter for being sold for one last game

warning said the mechanical voice
you have less than two minutes left
before your free trail ends
there is a flurry of movement
and then we freeze
if you would like to purchase more time
it says

everything is solved by little pills
and plasic cards and computers
and we draw stars on ourselves to separate us from them
but there is no difference

can't you see?
no I am blind
then take the blindfold off your eyes.
no I am afraid
we are all afraid my child.
no I am terrified
of what?
of the light, it burns my eyes
yes the night is more forgiving.

you cannot live in the night for long
we all need the day to purge the shadows from our mind
love the light and it will be kind
do not become a creature of the night
soft, slow and treacherous
I would not know you anymore

art is a blank page with words of no meaning scattered randomly upon it

I try to find comfort on this strange bed
solace in the forgiveness of the night
and love hides in the eaves of the forest

and brightly colored slaves come to carry me away
I am afraid they can't lift me
I have become monstrous
the soft folds of flesh overwhelming
the dark hands that hold me aloft
and the gluttonous laugh
echoing through my mind
posession, abomination, demon

the comedy ensues
the beast within me is amused
the world is my stage
they are all puppets in my play
but wait
who am I
I want to change the world
I want to rule the wolrd
no
leave me alone demon

cover your eyes
I don't want you to see me
slowly melt into apathy
I don't want you to see me die.



20.12.04

Okay, you're an angry asparagus, I get it.

all of my neopets have turned into asparagus!
I couldn't remember my password and my aparagus made angry faces at me.

Bertie the Benevolent Bee

19.12.04

That time of year thou mayst in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
In me thou see'st the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west;
Which by and by black night doth take away
Death's second self, that seals up all in rest
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of it's youth doth lie,
As the deathbed whereon it must expire,
Consumed with that which it was nourished by.
This thou perciev'st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.

William Shakespeare

one endless sunday

as the endless sundays stretch by my lost whims
to see the end serve your desire
they laugh at her savage ending
they who spend their will in unseen frustrations

inter spem curamque, timores inter et iras,
omnem crede diem tibi diluxisse supremum:
grata superveniet quae non sperabitur hora.

an old woman walks down a dark highway
trying to hitch a ride
the young man speeds by
with the volume on high
he see's the old woman but does not care
it doesn't matter that it's dark out there
the next car stops to pick her up
a young couple
what are you doing out here so late, grandmother
I went for a walk, lost track of time, she replies
they drop her off at a house
that wasn't there before
and was never there again
the next week the lava flows
passes by the young couples house
to visit their neighbor
the young man burns alive

18.12.04

Painted Paradise

a poem I wrote (Dec. 9) probably isn't any good but....

I will paint you a picture
a picture of how life could be
when the world is set free
from this earthly suffering
and we shall rise above
and become gods of our painted paradise
and none shall worship
and none shall kneel
and all shall bask in the sunshine of our sweet reverie
and none shall bleed in our name

And when Night comes
with her purple legion
none shall fear the deep, dark shadows
and all the demons
of childhood dream
shall lay down their heads
upon the soft, painted earth
and sleep like angels
and dream good dreams